Above Average Joe

We Don't Even Live In Florida

2009-09-03T15:39:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, Peanut and The Champ had a friend from across the street over for dinner. Seeing we had company, I made my best dish.

We dined on grilled cheeses and french fries.

The three had finished eating and were playing hide-and-go-seek inside the house. Which was good because it allowed me some time to myself before baths, lunches for the next day, storytime and bed.

I sat at the dining room table enjoying a Smithwick's, watching the kids as the girl from next door began to count with speed only an auctioneer should have. The Champ shot upstairs and Peanut stepped behind the Playskool easel that is in the dining room. She must have second guessed her decision because as the girl from next door finished counting, Peanut stepped out from her hiding spot and declared,

"Recount!!"

It seems she did not like her hiding spot and wanted to find a better one.

Who does she think she is, Al Gore?

I Wonder How Much They've Grown

2009-08-20T18:21:00.006-04:00

After I get out of work tomorrow, I will be picking up Peanut & The Champ from their mother's. Mrs. Joe had taken them to the beach and has been there since the end of last week. She has had them for almost 2 weeks. I don't think I have gone this long without seeing them.

As I have said, Mrs. Joe's family has a house on Cape Cod. We used to go out there for a week or two in the summer for our vacation. Last year, I took them by myself. Mrs. Joe had been fighting with mother about our separation.

This year she decided she would go. She didn't like the idea of me being there with her family last year. Weird thing this year was the day before she was to leave, Mrs. Joe invited me out there with them.

Um, did she forget we filed for divorce a week earlier?

She went as far as assuring me I would have to drive myself out there and that I would be sleeping on the pull out couch. Thanks, nothing says relaxing like some old lumpy mattress full of beach sand. I decided against it and told her I felt it would confuse the kids.

Besides, I had plans. I was to go with GBD up to Stowe, VT for the weekend. I had never been up there before. It was beautiful. We took the back roads home and enjoyed the views. I also got a bunch of stuff done around the house during this past week. I admit I like my free time but damn how I miss those kids.

Speaking of the divorce, I haven't gotten any word from probate court regarding a meeting with the judge. Not that it matters, I've waited this long, another month or two is nothing.

This past week or so has been fun but I can't deny I am looking forward to being a dad again.

Similar, Except No Announcements In The Paper

2009-08-11T07:34:00.004-04:00

It took over a year and a half but it is finally done.

Mrs. Joe & I filed for divorce Friday.

We used a single lawyer and filed uncontested. He mediated our divorce agreement and thankfully we were able to agree on everything. Going this route was a lot less stressful and cost much less.

I had to remortgage the house so I could buy out her half of the house and pay off a home improvement loan in both our names. We agreed that instead of child support I would pay for private school for the kids until high school. Not that I would think she would spend it foolishly but this way I know my money is going to the kids. Everything else had already been taken care of.

We met with the lawyer for the last time last Tuesday. I needed to show that the mortgage and the loan were taken care of. He had his clerk finish up the agreement and we signed the remaining paperwork. We left and had the agreements witnesses and notarized but could not file seeing the courthouse had already closed.

I left work early Friday and went to the courthouse. Of course nothing comes easy, so when the clerk asked me where our separation agreement was I realized it wasn’t included. So I had to drive back home, find the agreement, drive back to the courthouse, and wait in line but finally it was done.

We will receive a court date in September. Assuming the divorce is granted, we need to wait 120 days for it to become official. That puts things out until January.

I’m trying to look at this past Friday similarly to when I proposed to Mrs. Joe some 13 years ago. This divorce filing is like the wedding proposal and the 120th day after the hearing in front of the judge is the wedding ceremony.

I often told Mrs. Joe and others that from the day I proposed, I considered myself married and that the ceremony was a formality. Now I am trying to think that because the divorce paperwork is filed, I am divorced and the time from now until after the hearing with the judge is just a formality.

Either way, another big step is complete. I had the weekend to myself to think it over and I am happy with the decision I have made.

Asses & Elbows

2009-07-30T20:38:00.011-04:00

I turned 39 at the beginning of this month. Not really a big deal to me. I don't think next year will be much worse but I have no problem putting the big 4-0 off for another year.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my doctor. Not really a big deal either. I go once a year around this time. We usually swap some small talk, he asks the typical doctor/patient questions, I get some blood drawn and he sends me on my way until the next year.

Although this year I was under the impression my visit was going to be special. I thought I was a little young but I figured we have been together for years. It is time the doc & I moved our relationship along.

Yes, I left thinking that this year's appointment was going to include a prostate exam.

"Oh, my", I thought, "what will I wear?"

I showed up to the appointment yesterday a little nervous. I mean our relationship was going to the next level. Would he like what he seen? Would he still respect me?

As he came into the room, my, um, throat tightened. We talked for awhile, he looked me over and I thought, "this is it." I felt like I had been waiting all my life for this moment.

"Okay, everything seems to be fine. I'll have some blood drawn for tests and we'll see you next year."

And he was gone.

"Wait", I thought. "I am ready for you. I'm young but I can handle it."

But then he came back in the room, "He came back!", I gasped.

"When was your last tetanus shot?"

I couldn't remember.

"I'll get you one of those, too." and was gone again.

I felt rejected. How could he do this to me? I've been preparing all year for this.

A nurse then came in and gave me my tetanus shot. Since then, I haven't been able to move my left arm without a painful reminder of my doctor's appointment. I left the exam room, had some blood drawn and was out the door.

Knowing some doctor's bedside manners, he probably wouldn't have cuddled after anyway.

A Mental Stumble

2009-07-20T22:21:00.007-04:00

It is 10:30. I just finished making 3 lunches for tomorrow, picking up the living room & writing out bills.

There are still dishes in the sink.

There are towels in a laundry basket that need to be folded.

I just realized The Champ's bathing suit is still sitting in the washing machine. I need to put it in the dryer for camp tomorrow.

I have given up.

I am having difficulties with life as a single dad. I am trying my hardest to take care of them, take care of the house and work 40 hours a week but at times I think its getting the better of me.

Right now is one of those times.

I have had Peanut & The Champ since Thursday night. We had a pretty busy weekend. I took them to dinner and storytime at Barnes & Noble Friday night.

Saturday afternoon we went to the mall and I bought them both some new pajamas. I bought Peanut a My Little Pony toy. The Champ bought himself a new Bakugan toy with his allowance. I treated myself to some new underwear.

Saturday night we went to the local minor league baseball game. The NECBL is for college kids while school is out. Local families let the kids stay with them for the summer. It's fun for the kids with a lot of family stuff. The Champ enjoyed the game while Peanut followed the mascot around looking for hugs.

Sunday we drove out to a nearby lake and spent the afternoon in the water. With Peanut on my back as I swam around its no wonder why the sunblock wore off and now I have a nice burn on my shoulders.

Maybe it was too much this weekend. Probably right.

Then why do I feel it wasn't enough?

Nevermind all the shit around the house I ignored this again weekend. The lawn needs mowing. The hatchway needs to be stripped and repainted. The basement needs a good cleaning. Don't ask about dusting.

It's just some times I feel as though I am failing. And I only have had them 4 days. They will go back to their mother in 3. How anybody does this all the time is beyond me. Any mother or father who has full custody of their kids and has to deal with these challenges all the time is an amazing person.

Please, share your secrets.

Summer Fun

2009-07-12T17:38:00.008-04:00

I have not written much lately. The summer has been busy and there does not seem to be any time to post. I have also been moving along with my divorce from Mrs. Joe.

It's been two steps forward, one back, but forward nonetheless.

I had to refinance the house, hoping a reassesment of the value would allow me to pull out enough equity to buy her out. Luckily it was. I paid off the last remaining bill we had together, a home equity loan we took out to redo the kitchen.

She mentioned her frustrations since moving out, hinting at giving up everything and asking to come back. That led to more of me climbing into my own head wondering "what if" only to be let down again.

Peanut & The Champ are good. They are at the beach with their grandparents. I brought them out there last Friday. I spent the day with them before driving back home.

Here are what keeps me going through all of this.

They won't be home until Thursday. I have never went this long without them. I tell myself that they are fine and having a great time.

Just wish I could say the same about myself.

For Father's Day

2009-06-19T20:38:00.010-04:00

Every year he ran the portable quartz heater well into Spring.

That was one thing I remembered as a little kid about my dad. While he sat at the kitchen table, which was almost always, he would have a beer on the table and the portable quartz heater on.

He worked in the metal heat treat department for Smith & Wesson. Every day, as long as I can remember, he was up before me and out of the house by 6:30, off to load and unload huge baskets full of steel gun frames into the furnaces for 8 hours.

Working in those temperatures made him used to the heat. During the blazing hot days of summer, my sister & I would complain how hot it was but not my dad. Then September would come and out came the quartz heater until June.

He hated his job.

He didn't get along with his boss.

But he went. Every day. Even the mornings after he stayed out all night drinking, which were many.

He still went.

I never thought much about that until I got older and was working. I was lucky enough to learn a skill that I liked which involved sitting in front of a computer all day. The only heat I feel is from my cpu.

But I think back and wonder how he was able to get up every morning and go to a place he did not want to be, do a job he did not want to do for a boss he did not like.

Once I got married and had kids I learned why. It was because he was a husband and a father. He was responsible for taking care of his family. Even though he probably dreaded those 8 hours, he went because it was his responsibility.

Whenever I think my job sucks, I remind myself it could be so much worse.

He retired in 1997 at 62 years old. Good for him I thought. Celebrate your retirement I told him. He deserved it.

He was dead less than 2 years later. I was 27.

He stopped working but didn't stop drinking. He just sat at the kitchen table with a beer in hand and the quartz heater on.

At times I get upset that I lost him while I was so young. I was married less than a year. I had no idea what was in store for me. But I also think about how hard it had to have been for him all those years standing in front of hundred plus degree furnaces while my sister & I were little.

I know whatever challenges that come my way I will be able to handle, whether its my job, my marriage or Peanut & The Champ. I just remind myself that my dad made it through his challenges for me and my sister.

You could say his memories are my quartz heater.

Cones Are For Dunces

2009-06-10T18:15:00.004-04:00

We have a soft serve ice cream shop within walking distance from the house. Once or twice a week, during the summer, Peanut, The Champ & I will take a walk after dinner and get dessert.

A few days ago, we went for some ice cream. While waiting in line, I asked the kids what they wanted. Thankfully, the choices are simple; chocolate, vanilla or twist. The only other decision is chocolate sprinkles or rainbow.

The Champ usually gets chocolate with rainbow sprinkles while Peanut get vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.

Then came the request often asked but never, until Monday, approved.

“Can I have mine in a cone?”

Up until then, my answer was always no. I knew if Peanut didn’t drop hers on the ground, she would wear most of it. I also knew I can’t let The Champ get a cone and not Peanut.

“Not today.” , I replied.

“PLLLEEEAAASSSEEE!!!!”

“Fine, but can we not make a mess?”

Yay!!

Apparently, my mind must have left for summer vacation or some premature brain freeze from the ice cream set in.

We ordered our ice creams and sat down at a picnic table to enjoy. I always bring wipes with me seeing the ice cream shop only gives a few napkins to each person.

The Champ did pretty well with his cone. Aside from the chocolate goatee he sprouted, he contained the mess until the bottom of the cone started leaking through.

Total of 3 wipes and 1 napkin used.

Peanut wasn’t so lucky. I can safely say she didn’t drop her ice cream but I think she wore more than she ate. Her entire face was covered in vanilla and she somehow got sprinkles in her hair. I finally gave up trying to contain the mess. Eventually, she had ice cream dripping from her elbow.

Total of 7 wipes and 1 napkin used.

By the end, The Champ was able to finish his ice cream but Peanut gave up. I usually finish whatever is left over but not this time. Her cone couldn’t have been soggier if it had been holding water. No thanks.

Yeah, I know, kids will be kids. But when I allow something that follows with the need to take the garden hose to them, put me in the corner.

Reality Bites

2009-06-05T20:48:00.011-04:00

It was inevitable.

That first soon-to-be-ex-in-law family gathering that I had to attend.

It was last night. My sister-in-law graduated high school.

(My MIL remarried when Mrs. Joe was 15.)

Except for my MIL, FIL and both their new spouses, not one of Mrs. Joe's family has seen me since Mrs. Joe moved out last March. I planned on only going to the ceremony and to skip the dinner after.

I took my SIL out for dinner Tuesday and explained why. I told her that I didn't want to take anything away from her night and if both her sister and I were there for dinner people may find it uncomfortable. She understood.

Both Mrs. Joe & I attended the ceremony. Afterwards, as I was planning on saying goodbye, Mrs. Joe told me to come for dinner and there wouldn't be any problems. Against better judgement, I agreed.

Once we got to the restaurant it was apparent Mrs. Joe asked me to go because she didn't want to face her family alone. She also obtained a little courage via 3 cosmopolitans.

Although the family made sure to keep clear of asking either of us how we were doing, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Mrs. Joe & I individually said hi to mostly everybody. I apologized to my MIL if anybody was uncomfortable. She, of course, said it was fine.

I had dinner and went to duck out early. I had the kids at home and I told the babysitter I'd be home early. I said goodbye to my SIL and congratulated her again.

Proving that Mrs. Joe wanted me there for her own support, she said her goodbyes as well and asked me to walk her to her car.

I walked her to her car, made sure she was okay to drive, and walked back to my car.

The thought of feeling that uncomfortable in front of my own family is sad. There are times, times like this, that I feel so sorry for her. Can anybody realize what they are doing when they leave their spouse the way she left me?

I think Mrs. Joe realizes it a little better now.

I Thought She Said Manny & Petey

2009-05-28T20:27:00.005-04:00

Today my beautiful Peanut turns 4 years old. In some ways, the 4 years went by in the blink of an eye. In other ways I can't remember my life without her in it.

Mrs Joe had the kids this week. She told me yesterday that she had taken the day off from work and her and Peanut were going to have a "girl's day" together. She planned on taking her to the library and to the mall shopping.

"Then we are going to get a mani & a pedi", she said.

"Who?" I replied.

"I am taking her to Daisy Doos for a manicure and a pedicure." she added.

We all met for dinner afterwards. Peanut looked beautiful in a new dress they bought earlier. She showed me the results of her first "mani & pedi", too.

can you spot the little piggy?

had to wear the flashy sandals, too!

Happy 4th Birthday, Peanut!

My Cup Runneth Over, His, Not So Much

2009-05-19T21:52:00.010-04:00

The Champ’s baseball season has started and I don’t know who is happier, him or me. Although he is 7, this is his first year playing organized baseball. We have been in the backyard playing for two years now but the town sets a minimum age of 7 to play on a team. I know other towns start kids with tee-ball earlier than that but his team went straight to coach pitch.

A few days before his first game he was given a team shirt and hat but no pants so I went to the sporting goods store to pick some up. Along with a pair of baseball pants I bought him something a little more valuable. He probably doesn’t need it now but I figure he should get used to it early. “What is it?” he asked.

“What do you think it is?” I replied.

“An elbow pad? What do I need an elbow pad for?” he asked.

So I explained to him what it was and I showed him how to wear it. He wasn’t too thrilled about wearing one but I figured I better get him used to one early before he can argue with me about it.

Three games in and he is doing great. All the practice in the back yard is paying off. He is having fun, too, which is most important.

And luckily, we have yet to test the cup.

If Its A Dumb Rule, Mind As Well Break It

2009-05-11T21:28:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the lengthy amount of time between posts. I haven’t been up to writing lately. Most of my posts have been regarding Mrs. Joe and my separation/divorce and you probably are sick of hearing about it.

If you are interested, we met with the mediator two weeks ago. Our final divorce agreement has been drafted. I sent it to my lawyer to review. I started refinancing the house last week to buy out her half. Once the mortgage is redone and I pay her, we can file for divorce.

See, fun times.

Recently, I was out with some friends having a few drinks and got into a conversation with a woman I met regarding being a single parent and dating. I told her I did not think I would be interested in dating someone who did not have kids. I told her I thought someone who does not have kids does not know the commitment children need from a single parent.

She was upset that I would feel that way and told me she was divorced with no kids. She said she understood the commitment required and that my opinion was not true in all cases.

We debated it for about an hour and moved onto other topics. She held pretty firm in defending her opinion and was fun to talk with.

Of course at the end of the night I gave her my phone number and told her I would like to go out with her.

So much for that dating rule. How about it single parents, tell me if you think you could date someone who did not have kids.

Beginning Of The End

2009-04-30T20:52:00.005-04:00

Mrs. Joe and I had our final meeting with the lawyer regarding our divorce yesterday. I have to say going through a mediator and working together to compromise is a hell of a lot easier than the wars I have heard others go through.

The meeting was mostly paperwork related. We have divided up most of our assets already. I still have to re-mortgage the house to buy out her half but for the most part we are ready to file.

We decided that instead of child support, I will be responsible for paying Peanut & The Champ’s school tuition and sports fees. The lawyer ran the numbers and it is similar in amount to paying child support to Mrs. Joe. I like it because I know the money goes directly to the kids. Too many times I have heard stories about someone’s ex using it for all the wrong reasons.

Custody of the kids will be joint. We will have them one week at a time for the most part. We live only a quarter of a mile from each other and their school is in between us so the kids will always be in the general neighborhood.

The lawyer is having the final paperwork written up over the next few days and will mail it out to us. He said we could be filing before the 15th of May. I called my bank this morning and scheduled an appointment for my mortgage. Mrs. Joe is supposed to get a copy of our marriage certificate to submit as well.

My head knows this is what has to be done. My heart is slowly coming on board but I know that will take time. It is the beginning of the end and I keep reminding myself that once I reach the end there will be another beginning to look forward to.

A brighter one.

Why

2009-04-27T22:39:00.005-04:00

I sit here at 10:30 with my head a fucking mess.

I should be glad for tomorrow. I should look forward to it.

Parts of me do.

Parts of me don't.

All of me wishes you would explain what you were doing with him that night.

Parts of me want to know so I can hate you.

Parts of me want to know because I love you.

All of me wishes you would get your head straight and realize who you are giving up.

Parts of me want you to so you will come back to me.

Parts of me want you to so you will regret your decision for the rest of your life.

Parts of me wishes you would

I started writing this as an e-mail to Mrs. Joe about 10 minutes ago. I stopped there. Earlier, she came over after I put the kids to bed to sign out income tax refund check.

I didn't want her to leave but I knew it was wrong.

I started talking about our divorce meeting tomorrow and what we were going to do with the kids for the summer.

I offered her a beer. Why? She refused. I opened one and gave it to her anyway. She took it.

She sat and we talked about the kids while I made their lunches for school tomorrow. She looked great.

After 15 minutes she left saying she was tired. Why did I want her to stay?

Why is it so hard to get over her?

But why didn't I send the letter?

A Little Bit Of Spring Cleaning

2009-04-23T21:28:00.004-04:00

It had to be done.

For more than one reason, too.

Mrs. Joe had the kids this past weekend and I had Monday off from work thanks to Massachusetts being the only state other than Maine to celebrate Patriots' Day.

So that left me with three entire days to myself.

What to do…

I thought of getting away for a couple of days. Just pack a few changes of clothes and escape for awhile. Cooperstown, NY was and idea. It is only a 4 hour drive for me and I have never been to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Then reality set in.

I just don’t have the money to get away for a few days. Mrs. Joe has been gone for a little over a year now and the financial safety net has been stretched pretty tight. With the summer coming, I am going to want to take the kids somewhere as well.

So I decided to scrap my mini vacation and stay home. There are plenty of things I can tackle around the house anyway, I thought.

Then I realized the time had to come and it had to be done anyway.

So I spent the three days cleaning my attic.

Let me tell you, nothing says “relaxing, enjoyable weekend by yourself” like standing in a dusty attic separating all your shit from your wife’s.

Not.

My house has a huge walk up attic and when Mrs. Joe & I bought it ten years ago every moving box was put up there. Over the first few months, we emptied a few boxes but as you can imagine, most of it just sat there.

Then came the instances when we needed something that was still packed away. Of course we forgot where everything was in so we would start searching boxes. Add two kids worth of baby stuff and over time, the attic became a huge mess.

Last year, when Mrs. Joe moved out she did not take anything from the attic so it stayed the way it was. I knew I would eventually have to go thru everything, separating my stuff from hers, and box everything back up.

So the time was as right as it would get. Three days later, the attic was cleaned up. All of her stuff was boxed up along one wall while mine was boxed up along the other.

It was a shitty job, both emotionally and physically. I can’t recommend going thru dusty boxes that hold memories of a better time to anybody. Coming across pictures from our honeymoon and boxes of The Champ’s baby stuff almost made me cry. I just told myself that I did not ask for this and there is nothing that can be done to take back what has happened over the last year.

Mrs. Joe stopped by Monday, after I finished up. She saw the trash bags on the porch and thought that was her stuff. I led her to the attic, showing her what I had done. Upon seeing it, she simply turned around and left without even a thank you.

Later, she said she was upset at seeing me “box her up”. Doesn’t she see that I never wanted this? I had to do this. I have to get some level of closure. Removing her from my house is a start. Next step is getting the boxes out of the attic. Who knows when that’ll be.

We have scheduled an appointment with a lawyer. In MA we can use the same lawyer for divorce if it is uncontested. It saves us both money and aggravation. We have agreed on child support and visitation. All that’s left is the filing, court appointments and the hearings.

I hope it all can get wrapped up by the end of the year.

It Was Easter But It Felt Like Groundhog Day

2009-04-14T20:23:00.008-04:00

Here we are Tuesday evening and Peanut & The Champ have finally crashed from their candy high.

The kids got to wake up with me on Easter morning. Thankfully, they held off until 6:00 to get me out of bed.

The Easter Bunny was nice enough to hide his eggs inside the house instead of outside. It was still a little cold up here in New England to be out hunting for them.

Along with the tradition of looking for eggs the Easter Bunny left behind, Peanut continued her tradition of having me hide the eggs so she can hunt for them again.

...and again,

...and again.

After the forth or fifth time, she decided she wanted to hide the eggs and have me look for them. The only catch with that was once she hid them, she led me by the hand to each of the hidden eggs.

The egg hunts occurred off and on for the rest of the day. We started out with two dozen eggs. After awhile we were down a half dozen. Seems she forgot where she hid them. Which amazed me seeing she hid them in the same spots each time.

I hope everybody's Easter was as good as mine. Minus the groundhog, I mean.

Besides, Caddyshack was better.

Anti-Hygiene Radicals

2009-04-06T19:21:00.004-04:00

If they start burning the towels, I'm running.

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted

2009-04-02T20:04:00.005-04:00

It’s that time of year again. Spring is here, the birds are singing, the sun is shining and the flowers are starting to bloom.

It’s also time to start figuring out what you will do with your kids during summer vacation.

Sorry, it had to be said. You can’t avoid it forever.

Mrs. Joe and I began our discussion this past weekend. It didn’t go too well. Last year, my sister watched The Champ while Peanut continued in daycare. This year, Mrs. Joe asked if we could do something with The Champ other than having my sister watch him. She suggested our city’s park and rec. camp. I had heard it is very popular so it seemed like a good idea.

Except for the fact that Mrs. Joe claims to not have any money to help pay for it. Or the fact that last year, to sign up, you had to wait in a 2 hour line because it was on a first come first serve basis and this Saturday is signups and Mrs. Joe has to work.

So just to clarify, Mrs. Joe wants me to find a babysitter this Saturday so I can stand in a line for 2-3 hours to try to sign The Champ up for camp that she cannot help pay for.

We decided on only signing him up for 2 weeks of camp, one in July, and one in August. We will split the rest of the summer vacation between me, Mrs. Joe and my sister. I plan on taking some time off and take them camping. Mrs. Joe plans on taking a week or two off as well. My sister will watch him for a few weeks also.

My mother in law has a beach house on Cape Cod. She invited the kids and I out there for a week this summer. I don't think me going out there will go over too well with Mrs. Joe but I think I’ll bring the kids out to stay with her for a week. Mind as well have somebody enjoy the beach.

Any ideas from you out there on how to keep the little ones busy this summer vacation?

Control, At Times, Is Now Remote

2009-03-24T20:22:00.008-04:00

I called Mrs. Joe the other day asking a question about my car insurance. Part of our separation agreement is that she has to continue to have both our auto insurance payments taken out of her paycheck. I am trying to cancel the payroll deduction for mine and have the bills mailed directly to me. Eventually I will have to take control of it, mind as well be sooner rather than later.

After answering the question, she asked what I was doing with my car insurance. I told her and she became a little irritated.

"What are you doing that for?" she asked.

Since she has left, I have had to take control of the things she took care of. Bills, for example are one thing. To me, all I am trying to do is take control of my car insurance but to her I think it may be her losing control of me.

I am not saying she was a control freak or anything but all of you know there are ways you want things done and they may differ from your partner. That may lead to a disagreement on how to handle a given situation. Compromise usually wins over. But when you become separated you don't have to compromise. You can do what you think is best without having to defend it.

The flip side is you also lose any control of your partner's decision making. I would like to say I don't want any but that would not be honest. There are some things I wished she would do differently.

For example, she often lets the kids eat dinner in the living room, sitting on the floor in front of the television.

That drives me nuts.

To me, dinner is supposed to be at the dinner table, not on the floor with the t.v. on. Is it the end of the world? Obviously not. Am I overreacting? Probably. But to me it is the way dinner should be.

I have come to accept that I have no control over her anymore. She is a good parent and I have to learn to accept the fact that my kids will eat dinner in front of the t.v. from time to time.

With that, I am going to watch some t.v. I won't be eating dinner but I will have full control of the remote.

I wonder if there is any wrestling on.

Did Momma Say There’d Be Days Like This?

2009-03-16T21:58:00.003-04:00

I woke up a half an hour late this morning. The Champ was already nestled in on the couch watching cartoons but Peanut was not awake yet.

After a too quick shower, I hurried up the stairs to get dressed. I remembered how I pissed my boss off Wednesday before he left town for the rest of the week. Great, now I’ll have to address that when I get in, whenever that might be.

I was in the bathroom putting in my contacts as Peanut stumbled by to join her brother. Little did she know the t.v. was going off in a matter of minutes so they could start getting ready for school. I guess that would be my fault for not getting her up before my shower.

After getting dressed, I tried to motivate the kids to do the same. They weren’t in the mood. When did they start playing Yogi Bear cartoons again? I ended up simply turning off the t.v. That wasn’t too well received by either child.

After getting the kids dressed, I tried to get them fed. The Champ was good, leftover pancakes from yesterday. Peanut? Not so much. After negotiating five minutes for cereal she took two bites and was done. What do I do, spend more time debating breakfast or move on to getting out the door?

After loading up the backpacks with lunches, homework and papers for the school, I asked the kids to get their coats on. Peanut declared she didn’t want to go to school, she wanted to go to mommy’s. Reasoning with a 3 year old obviously failed, the crying began, the delay continued.

Peanut’s meltdown continued as we arrived at daycare. There she lay, under the table, her coat still on, crying for her mother. I tried to calm her down but it was no use. How f-ing difficult is it to leave your kid when they are like that?

I dropped The Champ off and made it to work 20 minutes late.

The rest of today eased up. By the end, I was mentally exhausted. I snapped at the kids and put them to bed early. After, as I stood in the kitchen making them their lunches a wave of emotion came over me. I felt angry with myself for snapping at them at bet time. They didn’t deserve it, I thought.

I then became angry at Mrs. Joe for creating this mess. I then questioned myself. What could I have done differently today, that Thursday night, since she left, before she left?

I finished up the day’s to-do’s, opened up a beer, wrapping up this post and going to bed.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Usually Due To Long Lines At Football Games

2009-03-06T18:50:00.009-05:00

My little girl is growing up. Peanut is now done with diapers and pull-ups except at bedtime.

She is doing very well. Daycare is very helpful and Mrs. Joe seems to be actively trying to get her potty trained.

I, on the other hand, have been a little lazy.

When we were potty training The Champ, I was very involved. Maybe cause there weren’t as many distractions in my life or maybe because I could just throw some Cheerios into the toilet and have him fire away.

Either way, I just haven’t been proactive.

One night last week after I got out of work, I picked up Peanut & The Champ from my sister’s and took them to dinner. Not that it would have made a difference but this was the first time Peanut was out with me and did not have a diaper or pull-up on.

After dinner The Champ asked to go to the bathroom. We were close to them so I let him go alone. When he got back Peanut said she had to go too.

And immediately made a bee-line for the ladies room.

“Whoa little lady, daddy can’t go in there with you.”

As I took her hand and led her into a public men’s room for the first time, I realized I had a little more work to do than when I would take The Champ to the bathroom.

With The Champ, I didn’t have to worry other than telling him not to touch anything. With Peanut, that was going to be difficult. I helped her up onto the seat after lining it with half a roll of toilet paper.

So I can say we survived the experience.

I didn’t even have to explain what the urinals were.

Not The Close Contact They Were Expecting

2009-03-02T22:17:00.006-05:00

It was about ten o’clock, Thursday night. Peanut & The Champ were sound asleep and I had just finished watching an episode of Lost. I am watching last season on DVD thanks to a friend from work.

I got ready for bed, kissed the kids goodnight and crawled under the covers.

As I lay there, a familiar feeling came over me. A feeling I used to get on Thursday nights back when Mrs. Joe was still home, long before her admittance of an affair, her moving out and the attempts of reconciliation.

Back then I thought it was due to being anxious while she was out with her girlfriend. Once in awhile, she would come home a little late, a little drunk and a little horny. At the time, I thought it was pretty hot having her crawl into bed looking for love.

Then I found out she would go to him after she left her girlfriend.

Either way, that "sixth sense" was back and I wasn’t going to be played again.

I called Mrs. Joe’s phone. No answer. I tried her cell, same thing. I then called my cousin and asked him to come over. He knows the whole story and when I told him what was up, him and his girlfriend said they would be right over. I got dressed and waited for them. They arrived about ten minutes later.

I then left to go to Mrs. Joe’s apartment. She lives only a few blocks away. I told my cousin to call my cell in 15 minutes. I remember now that I never told him what to do if I didn’t answer.

As I turned the corner onto Mrs. Joe’s street I saw it, his green pickup, in a parking lot next to her building. I parked on the street in front of her apartment and sat there for about a minute.

Then I went in.

I walked up the flight of stairs to her door and knocked. Knocked twice and then a third time. I then heard someone walk by the door. Whoever it was was going from the bedroom towards the bathroom. The footsteps came back to the door.

“Who is it” asked Mrs. Joe.

“Open the fucking door” I replied.

She actually did. Can you believe it?

And there she was in nothing but a bathrobe holding a cosmopolitan.

I said something to her as I walked past, heading for her bedroom. As I turned the corner, there he was, standing in his underwear. I remember that he must have had 4-5 inches on me in height and weighed a good 50lbs more. But I remember one thing.

Fear.

Along with the Hanes he was wearing, he had a look of fear on him.

As I walked up to him, I said something about Mrs. Joe.

And I belted him right in the mouth.

Boys and girls, it was on.

We mixed it up pretty good while Mrs. Joe was trying to pull me away from him. I got him to the floor somehow but he ended up wrapping his arms around my neck, pinning my head to the floor. Things became a little clearer when I couldn’t breathe very well.

I told Mrs. Joe to tell him to let me go. He eventually did. As I got up Mrs. Joe started saying something to me but I reacted in a way I had never done before.

I slapped her across the face and walked out the door.

I went back home, expecting the cops to pay me a visit. My cousin and his girlfriend couldn’t believe the story I told them. I had a good bruise starting on my forehead and my right hand was bloodied from popping him in the mouth but I felt good. I finally stood up to them. I finally said no more.

The cops never showed. My cousin and his girlfriend left about an hour later. I made it to work on Friday, telling the story a half dozen times. I called a lawyer. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. I hope to file for divorce as soon as possible.

Part of me is relieved. The path is set out in front of me now. It is wide and clear with nothing to trip me up.

Slave Labor With A Smile

2009-02-26T20:39:00.008-05:00

So awhile back the kids and I were in Target and The Champ begged me to buy him another Bakugan. If you have a boy between the ages of 6 & 10 you know what they are. If not, just combine Pokemon & Transformers.

Anyway, in an effort to teach him about the value of a dollar, in the case of a Bakugan, six, I asked him if he'd be willing to do some chores around the house. I told him I would start giving him an allowance if he agreed. He said o.k.

I decided he would be responsible for bringing in the empty trash cans when he gets home from school.

Here's where my decision to have him take care of the trash cans failed. The first few times went fine. We would get home, he would see the empty cans at the end of the driveway and put them away.

Then Peanut decided she wanted to help her big brother. Arguments ensued because The Champ didn't want to share his "chores" with his sister.

"Um, kid you'll still get the same allowance whether your sister helps or not." I thought to myself.

I told him he would still get the same amount and to let his sister help.

The last two weeks the kids have taken it to the next level. Not only are they fighting over my trash cans, they are going to the neighbor's and bringing their trash cans from the curb to their doors.

Fine job teaching him the value of a dollar. Don't they realize this is supposed to be a chore?

I wonder if cleaning the toilets would get this response?

Good Thing Beer Doesn't Freeze

2009-02-23T19:35:00.006-05:00

It's official, my separation is driving me nuts.

I determined this not by any reasons you & I might expect. Yesterday, I had the day all to myself with the kids at their mother's. I could tackle all those tasks I wanted. In the end, I spent most of it on the couch. Quality time with myself, I guess.

Around dinner time I started looking for something to eat. I didn't want to work too hard and I was getting ready to watch the NASCAR race so time was an issue. Scanning the fridge with the door wide open, I can do that now with nobody else around, something caught my eye.

A package of hamburger patties.

Right then and there I decided that's what I wanted for dinner, two nice juicy hamburgers with cheese. I picked up a 6-pack of #9's on Saturday so I had everything that was required. Too bad a few problems arose. One is you have to grill hamburgers outside, two, it's February and three, I live in Massachusetts.

It didn't matter. I soon found myself standing outside, beer in hand, flipping burgers with snow falling around me and the temperature a crisp 30 degrees.

Truth is Mrs. Joe did all the cooking when she was here. She cooked, I did the dishes. It was a fair deal. With Mrs. Joe gone, I've learned to cook a few things. I know hamburgers aren't rocket science but to want them bad enough to go outside in the middle of winter and cook them surprised even me.

Must have been all that free time on the couch. Being horizontal that long staring at the TV must have put me in a trance or something.

But I have to say those were the best hamburgers I have had in a long time.

Regarding Lint & Change

2009-02-16T20:17:00.004-05:00

“Daddy, come here please. I have something for you”, Peanut said.

“What do you have for me?” I asked.

“Hold out you hand.”

I obliged.

As she placed a tiny ball of lint into my hand she replied, “A fuzzy from my butt”.

Thanks, kid.

Tomorrow Mrs. Joe & I have our first appointment with a marriage therapist. I am anxious to get things out in the open with someone who, I hope, can make sense of everything that has happened.

I want to say thanks for everybody who has given me encouragement through all of this. I have wavered back and forth on what to do and you all have stuck by me. I am assuming the next few weeks will help things become clearer. But then again, I have thought things were clear before only to see it blur.

Here’s to the next chapter. I hope to write something positive for a change.

Deciding To Rebuild

2009-02-11T12:02:00.003-05:00

I mentioned Mrs. Joe asked me out to dinner. Well, we went out together this past Saturday night. We also decided that we would not discuss us but to just go out, have a few drinks, some dinner and catch up a little bit.

She came to my house after bringing Peanut & The Champ to her mom’s. She chose a restaurant we had been to many times together. I drove. We had a drink in the bar before we sat down to eat. There have been layoffs at both of our jobs so we talked about that for awhile. We talked about the kids. We were able to steer clear of us. We’ve decided to tackle that with a therapist present.

I think of it as having a building inspector assess the damage to the foundation.

Dinner was nice. We both enjoyed our meals. We cut the night short seeing the kids were at her mom’s. Instead of going directly back to my house, I drove us to her mom’s to help Mrs. Joe bring the kids home. After picking up the kids at her mom’s, I dropped her off at my house and we both drove to her apartment and brought the kids upstairs and put them to bed.

It was a good night. But us going out to dinner never was a bad night. The difficult times lay ahead with addressing what has happened. We have an appointment with a marriage therapist next Tuesday evening. I’m sure that’s when the hard work starts.

Can somebody loan me a hard hat?

First Step

2009-02-05T12:04:00.006-05:00

Mrs. Joe informed me that she broke things off with her lover this past Saturday. I guess he didn’t take it too well. She seemed pretty upset about it so I assume her decision was not easy.

Come hell or high water, I have to take this really slow. I am telling myself to wait until well into spring before deciding on having her move back in.

Last night, she asked me out to dinner. We are planning to go out Saturday. She is making the plans and asking her mother to watch Peanut & The Champ.

It’s like we have to start all over again. Dating, flirting, getting to know each other. I know I have grown over the past year. How will she respond to the changes? Has she changed? I assume she has but how will I respond?

I talked with my therapist yesterday. She told me now that we are looking to reconcile we should get into marriage counseling soon. She said the simplest problems if not addressed correctly could set us back. She gave me a list of therapists she recommends. I’ll be trying to get us an appointment.

I am excited but I know I have to remain cautious. We have a huge hill to climb but parts of me want to think there is no better person to tackle it with.

Totally unrelated but this, amazingly, is my 200th post. Let's hope the next 200 are a little more positive.

Always Doing Things The Hard Way

2009-01-30T20:45:00.002-05:00

Nobody said it was going to be easy, and nobody was right. - President George Bush

I realize now things were easier before.

I didn’t think so at the time.

But I do now.

It was easier trying to move on with my life, easier trying and be a single dad, easier trying to forget her. I would put my focus on the kids or the house. I even started watching early seasons of Lost to keep my mind occupied.

So much for things being easy.

Life got a little more difficult a few weeks ago. I mentioned that Mrs. Joe had asked about coming home. I also mentioned that I felt I didn’t want her to. Well, we sat down a few times this past week and she is pretty serious about us getting back together.

We talked about what caused her to do what she did. Her answers seemed pretty honest. She told me about what she needed in our marriage. I told her about what I hoped would change. We agreed that if we can continue talking without fighting and come to some agreements about the future, we should start seeing a marriage therapist.

I asked her about the other guy. She said if we agree to seriously look into getting back together she would end it with him. I figure she should have already let him go but whatever.

Her relationship with him has lasted well over a year. They work together as well, although in different locations. The idea of her being able to let him go is difficult to believe but I have to at least see where this goes.

Due to this, I ended my relationship with GBD. She is a great girl but I know even if things don’t work out with Mrs. Joe, I am not ready to commit to what she wants.

I told Mrs. Joe to tie up her loose ends and we will go on from there. I’m not sure where that is but I know at least I will have taken the chance.

No Pink Walls, Or Slip For That Matter

2009-01-20T21:51:00.010-05:00

I wrote back in October that I wanted to redo my bedroom. The walls being pink weren’t a major problem when I was married but now I'm single and pink just doesn't cut it.

In November, I wrote about my overpriced pillow that I bought and the comforter that I found in the basement.

Well I can now say that my bedroom makeover is complete. I painted the room and found a print to hang over the bed among other changes.

Here it is...

The print is an architectural drawing of the Brooklyn Bridge. I make mechanical drawings for work so it is similar to what I do for a living. I ordered the print online. It arrived before Christmas but I couldn’t get it framed until after New Year’s so I had to be patient.

The paint I chose for the walls is Winter Wheat from Behr. It is a little greener than I was hoping but I think it looks pretty good with the curtains.

I found the flannel sheet set at Wal-Mart. I think it pulls the light colored wood from the bedroom set together with the chocolate color in the pillow and print frame.

The lamp with its bold red shade is from Target. Anything was better than that old one.

Eventually, I want to get a new bedroom set as well, something with a darker wood. I think the wall color will go better with a darker color anyway.

Not too bad for an amateur, I’d say.

Regarding the slip, I was lucky enough to escape a layoff at my job. Eleven people were let go last Friday. It was the first salaried layoff in the company’s history. I guess with working in the automotive industry I should expect that right now with the current economy.

Hopefully things will rebound. If not, maybe I can change my profession to interior designer…

…when pink elephants fly.

Dry Shaving, Exposed Nipples and Body Modification

2009-01-13T18:06:00.004-05:00

Now that’s a post header, huh?

Over the weekend, GBD and I went to dinner with another couple she knows. I picked up the tab for all of us.

Why, you might ask?

Well, earlier in the night, at the other couple’s apartment, I got this…

That is my oh-so-manly chest with a new tattoo. GBD’s friend used to work as a tattoo artist in a local shop. For the price of their dinner, she gave me my first tattoo.

The symbol represents the letter T and the number 4, which have been part of a nickname I have had since college. I designed it myself.

I like it. It is something I have always wanted to do. More of me focusing on me, I say.

Now as long as the guys I work with don’t mind seeing me rub A & D ointment on my chest to help it heal, I’ll be all set.

No Time Wasted

2009-01-06T20:17:00.017-05:00

My father-in-law called the weekend between Christmas and New Year's. He has done this once in awhile since Mrs. Joe left. After we shared how our Christmas' were, he told me that he seen his daughter earlier that day. She had taken Peanut & The Champ to see him at the store he works at.

He went on to tell me she looked tired and didn't have much patience with the kids. I replied that I knew where she was coming from. Handling those two little terrors alone will make anybody look tired.

He also asked how Mrs. Joe and I were doing. I told him that things were mostly the same but with the new year coming I had planned on making some decisions about us.

Basically, I got to shit or get off the pot.

He then surprised me by asking if I would be willing to sit down with him and Mrs. Joe. He felt that maybe he could try to straighten things out between Mrs. Joe & I. I figured I had nothing to lose. I owed it to him to at least do that. He has been a great father to me. I lost my own father in 1998, I was only 28, and he has done a fine job being someone I can look up to and has helped me be a better dad.

We planned on this past Sunday, here at the house. He would confirm with his daughter and call me back. Later that day, he called and said we were on.

So this past Sunday we met and talked for over three hours. Seeing that his parents divorced and he and Mrs. Joe's mother divorced, he tried to explain from experience what divorce could do to the two of us and to the kids.

He also talked about our expectations of one another, which is a touchy subject. Over time we have begun to differ with some of the others decisions regarding the kids and such. That has led to heated debates without resolution. He talked about compromising, which has been difficult on both sides. To me, that has been the hardest thing to overcome. As usual, it led to defensive responses followed by yelling from all.

He went to address Mrs. Joe's infidelity. She has always taken responsibility for her actions but I still don't feel a sincere feeling of regret from her. It might be me but a lot of therapy will be the judge.

What I did find out was that she is still seeing him, now a year later. And she stated she still doesn't know what she wants to do with either of us.

Hello, you said you wanted to come back but you are still seeing him?

The conversation ended with a plea from my father-in-law as he was leaving for us to get back together. Neither of us said yes but neither said no. It was a good talk, I feel. If my wife was going to listen to anybody, it would have been her father. She left after he did and I sat on the couch and thought for awhile.

Yesterday, as she called to say goodnight to the kids, I asked her to come over after I put them to bed. I told her I wanted to talk about the day before with her dad.

She showed up a few hours later and sat at the island in the kitchen as I made lunches for the following day. We talked about what her dad had said. We agreed with some things and disagreed with others. She mentioned looking into marriage therapy again. I told her learning that she still didn't know who she wanted helped me to decide what I wanted to do.

I told Mrs. Joe that I did not want to try therapy.

I wanted a divorce.

Thinking she has been with this guy for over a year now and still doesn't know what she wants makes me think that it is not as much who she wants but more of a failure to just choose. I think therapy, to her, is to help her choose. No way I'm taking part in that.

Along with that, what we have come to expect of one another has changed. I have found myself on a different path than my wife. Paths that are going in different directions. And good or bad, we are too stubborn to change. Compromise has been attempted by both but it isn't enough.

I assume we will try to go through the mediator again. If anything we will save money on lawyers. I think we are smart enough to do what's best.

New challenges, indeed.

A New Year, New Challenges

2009-01-02T19:05:00.006-05:00

Thank God that year is finally over.

Not that a change in the calendar makes a difference but at least it is a start.

Christmas was good. My sister and I cooked for some family on Christmas Eve. Peanut & The Champ were with me for the dinner while Mrs. Joe took them for Christmas Day. It is a small blessing that they are young and don't seem too affected by the separation.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

For highlights on the presents, Peanut got a bunch of Littlest Pet Shop pets, some Polly Pockets dolls and a Chutes and Ladders board game.

I believe I have played (and lost) Chutes and Ladders 20 times already.

The Champ got a Lego toy, a few Spider-Man comic books and 4 Bakugan marbles.

It seems the Bakugan toys were the big gift for The Champ. Cautiously, I looked into them before giving Santa the okay to leave some under the tree. The cartoon isn't that bad and the game you play with the marbles uses a lot of math. But like everything 7 year old boys want, trying to figure out what to do with them is difficult.

I hope your Christmas celebrations were special. Let me know what Santa left for your little ones.

Can Hanna Montana Be Far Behind?

2008-12-24T07:36:00.008-05:00

With Peanut being 3 years old, I was debating if Santa would leave her first Barbie under the Christmas tree this year. I decided to wait. I figured I mind as well put off the inevitable for one more year.

Yesterday, the lady across the street stopped by with presents for the kids. As you can assume, Peanut's present was her first Barbie. It was Ballerina Barbie. Pretty innocent so I what could I say.

I told myself it could have been worse. She could have given her a Bratz doll.

We each thanked and gave a hug to the lady across the street. I took the doll out of the box and Peanut started playing with it. I talked with our neighbor for a few and she left.

Minutes later, as I was picking up the wrapping paper Peanut came up to me with those words many of you have already heard...

"Daddy, look, she's naked."

Followed by...

"She's got boobies."

And never to be out done. An entire 10 minutes later the scream followed by the crying preceded...

"Daddy, I lost one of my dolly's shoes."

Everybody have a Merry Christmas. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Now if you will excuse me, I have to make sure the scissors are put away. I don't need Barbie hair all over my living room.

Now The Fun Really Starts

2008-12-18T12:35:00.004-05:00

The e-mail started normal enough.

“I got a birthday party invitation for The Champ today.”

At the end, it got rather surprising.

“I’m making pork chops for dinner tonight if you would like to come over.”

I read it a second time to confirm. Yes, Mrs. Joe had just invited me over for dinner. We had been getting along okay over the last few weeks but this was different.

I replied back saying I would come. The thought of sitting down with her for dinner was compelling.

Never mind the fact that she makes great pork chops.

I picked up a bottle of wine on the way there. We always enjoyed a glass with dinner and I figured I should bring something.

When I got there, Peanut & The Champ had just finished up their dinners. Mrs. Joe fed them first and set them up in the living room with a movie to keep them occupied. I said hi and gave both of them a big kiss and settled them back into their movie.

Mrs. Joe had the table all set. I opened the wine and poured us each a glass. She prepared a plate for each of us and we sat down and started eating.

We talked about the kids. She told me about her work and how her family was. I mentioned how slow my work was with the automakers waiting for the bailout.

I will say the dinner was nice. We finished, cleaned up and continued to talk over another glass of wine.

The conversation led to us. We both opened up and shared a lot. It was a conversation that should have happened long ago, before all the bullshit.

Then it was said. Not in the exact words but the point was made.

She wants to come back.

Albeit not right away and not without more conversation. She said she isn’t sure if it could work and I agreed. She also said we could go to a therapist together. I told her that sounded like a good idea.

I think we will wait until January, though. Let us get through Christmas and see where we are then.

Looks like I got some thinking to do.

Old Illustrators Never Die…

2008-12-12T11:30:00.004-05:00

Every Friday evening, the local Barnes & Noble has story time for the kids. I have been taking Peanut & The Champ most of the Fridays that I have them. Sometimes the store holds story time on a different night if they have a guest author or illustrator there to read to the kids.

Last night, illustrator Jeff Mack was there reading his new book Hush Little Polar Bear. The Champ sat attentively through the reading of that book as well as the three other books illustrated by Jeff.

Peanut decided to pass on the reading of the stories and play with all the plush toys.

I give Jeff a lot of credit, he kept the kids attention very well. After about 45 minutes of reading, he answered the kids’ questions and signed copies of his new book.

As we were leaving, I asked The Champ if he wanted to be an illustrator of children’s books when he got older.

“Do they have to retire?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“When they get old, do they have to retire?”

“No, you can be an illustrator when you are old.”

“Well then I will be an illustrator after I am a baseball player. Baseball players have to retire when they get old.”

Does this mean I should have asked for the senior citizen discount when I paid for the book?

Not Charlie Brown’s, But Close

2008-12-09T20:50:00.007-05:00

With December upon us, I reluctantly had to address Christmas with Mrs. Joe. As many of you know, and now I am learning, this is the worst holiday to be a single parent. The idea of not having my kids with me for any part of Christmas is upsetting to say the least.

Mrs. Joe & I have agreed that I will have them Christmas Eve and she will have them Christmas Day. My family always celebrates on Christmas Eve so it will not be that bad.

With that in mind, I had Peanut and The Champ with me this past weekend. I knew I had to get a Christmas tree now or wait until the weekend before Christmas when I had them again.

We set out Sunday morning with the first snowfall of the season under our feet. It was just an inch but it helped set the mood. I figured we would go back to the same tree farm as years' before. I posted last year about the tree farm we had been getting our tree from.

As I look back, I realize how hypocritical that time was but I digress.

We had not tagged a tree this year but I figured we could still find something. We had to stop at Home Depot for a tree stand first. The bottom of the old stand, made of plastic, cracked. It might have been because I left it outside still full of water after Christmas last year. Maybe something about water expanding as it freezes but who knows.

At Home Depot, we found the tree stands and the kids noticed all the Christmas trees they were selling. Most were on the small side. Peanut asked if we could buy one of those trees. I assumed they would want to go to the tree farm and cut one down. But that gave me an idea.

What if I bought a small tree, one small enough that the kids could decorate all by themselves without the need of a ladder for them to reach the top?

I told them my idea and they went for it. So I asked the clerk where the smallest trees were. He pointed over in the corner where a handful of small, neglected trees laid. We went over and found the smallest one. It couldn’t have been 4 feet tall. I asked them if the liked it and they did. I paid for it along with the stand and we took it home.

We cleared a spot in the living room and set up the tree. I put a strand of lights on it and let them decorate it. Along with the balls, gingerbread men, Santas and angels, the kids made some paper ornaments and hung them on the tree as well.

It is not the biggest, most beautiful tree in the world but it was completely decorated by Peanut & The Champ. Watching them as they put the ornaments on it reminded me what Christmas is all about.

Santa's Little Helpers

Can I Tell Him To Just Walk It Off?

2008-12-04T20:16:00.012-05:00

Back in June I told you about Ester, the betta Mrs. Joe & I got from Wal-Mart for The Champ for getting a good report card last year.

I'm sorry to say we lost Ester this week.

He had been sick for the last week or two. I looked up his symptoms on the internet and it seems he was suffering from SBD or swim bladder disorder.

If you didn't know, and I didn't, one cause of SBD is overfeeding.

Yes, we fed the fish to death.

The Champ took it pretty well considering this is the first and only pet he has gotten. I think this book helped.

I picked The Berenstain Bears Lose a Friend up last week and explained to him what might happen to Ester.

It was the first time The Champ cried in this way. I've helped him through the bumped heads and the skinned knees but this was different.

I couldn't just kiss the hurt and make it go away.

I know there will be more times he hurts this way. And I know it will hurt me not to be able to help him.

I just wish there was a children's book for each upcoming situation.

Twenty Years And Some Self Assurance

2008-12-01T21:49:00.010-05:00

I hope everybody’s Thanksgiving was nice. I let Mrs. Joe take the kids to her father’s house. That’s where we have gone for Thanksgiving since before we were married so I figured I would keep everything the same as much as possible.

I went to my sister’s house. We lost our parents a few years ago so it was just my sister, her husband, my nephew and myself. We watched some football, ate dinner and watched a little more football until we started falling asleep. I ducked out before the entire room was comatose.

Saturday, Mrs. Joe still had the kids so I had a free evening. I was playing cards at my cousin’s house with some relatives. My aunt was trying to get rid of the leftover turkey, offering to make turkey sandwiches for everybody.

My phone rang. It was a buddy of mine who has a side job as a d.j.

With very loud ‘80’s music playing in the background, “Hey, what are you doing?”

“Playing cards with my cousin,” I replied.

“Why don’t you come up to the Knights of Columbus hall on Memorial Drive?” he asked.

“Why?” I asked.

“I’m d.j.’ing your 20 year high school reunion,” he replied.

Instantly my mind returned back to my teenage years, the best time of my life, no cares in the world. The time where I began to forge friendships that would last a lifetime.

And if you believe any of that…

See, I was Ally Sheedy in high school. I had long hair even though I didn't play in any band. I wasn't a great student but I never got into trouble either. I kept to myself pretty much.

Let me put it this way. I still live in my hometown and I didn’t even get an invite to this.

“Why would I go to my 20 year high school reunion?” I asked.

“Lets just say it’ll be interesting," he replied.

I asked my cousin if he wanted to go. He graduated 3 years ahead of me. He was a quiet one also but he knew some people from my class. He was game.

So yes, I crashed my 20 year high school reunion...

...in jeans.

We got there and walked right in. I recognized a few people. Nobody I cared to talk to, though. I seen a few people notice me. It felt weird. Here I was, the quiet long-haired nobody in high school walking into this formal event in jeans...

...and I didn't have a care in the world.

We grabbed a beer and walked over to my buddy the d.j. He laughed his ass of seeing me walk up in jeans. We all had a good time about it. I spent most of the night with my cousin, trying to see if we recognized anybody.

I only talked to two guys I graduated with all night. One I see often with our sons being the same age. They have played soccer together more than once. The second guy didn't even recognize me at first.

I have to say it was interesting. All through high school I was too quiet to make too many friends. I kept my head down and buried myself in my hair, hoping to morph into the wall. Now, I crash the party completely underdressed and could care less if anybody wanted to talk to me.

I don't care what my graduation song was 20 years ago, right now is the best of times.

Right On! Target

2008-11-25T20:53:00.003-05:00

With it being almost winter here in New England, the nights are getting a tad on the cold side. That and the fact that I don’t have any warm body to cozy up against means it is time to pull out the flannel sheets.

I went into the basement and opened the tote with all the flannel sheets and grabbed a set for me and a set for The Champ. I then realized I didn’t have a set for Peanut.

With her still in a crib until this past spring, it never occurred to me that I would need a set for her. The Champ has a full size bed whereas Peanut only has a twin so I couldn’t even put a set of his on her bed for the time being.

No big deal. I’ll just run to the store and buy a set. For me, shopping for things like bed sheets, it’s not as much about patterns, colors or how many threads per inch. It is strictly based on the ability to get into the store, find the right product, pay a reasonable price and get out.

So the three of us took a drive to K-Mart. I chose K-Mart primarily because it is the closest department store. That solved rule number 1.

Unfortunately, K-Mart failed the remaining requirements.

Upon entering, I was reminded how difficult it is to get around the store. There is no obvious main isle as you walk in so we ended up walking through the women’s underwear department to get to the bedding.

Thanks K-Mart. Make me walk my 7-year-old son through the women’s bras section while some old lady is buying her last Maidenform.

We survived the trip down mammary lane and got to the bedding area. We found the isles a mess and nothing in its place. After a quick scan I realized something odd.

K-Mart didn’t have any flannel sheets.

What department store located in New England doesn’t have flannel sheets in the middle of November?

I took a more thorough scan before I attempted to ask for help. I say I attempted because once I did start to look for some help there was no salesclerk to be found.

So after a few minutes of looking for sheets and salesclerks we gave up, walked back through the bras and left the store.

I wanted these sheets now. You know the whole hunter/gatherer thing. I figured we would try one more store. I drove to Target, which is not much farther away. I should’ve gone to Target first but this store is located in a mall and even I know finding a mall parking spot on a Sunday afternoon is insane.

So we got to the mall and luckily found a parking spot reasonably quick. My apologies to the lady I cut off. We walked in, easily spotted the sign telling us where to go and headed towards the bedding. I immediately spotted a salesclerk.

Yes, I walked straight to the salesclerk for help without even looking first.

She was more than helpful, telling me that the next two isles had flannel sheets on the end caps. Sure enough, there they were. I had multiple patterns of every size and different colors to choose from. Peanut picked a red checkered pattern. I found a twin set for $20, grabbed it and headed for the checkout line.

We had been in the mall for less than 15 minutes and were already headed back to the car with the sheets.

Martha Stewart would have loved my prudent shopping ability…

well, maybe if it was in her store.

Another Chapter

2008-11-21T21:32:00.004-05:00

There was enough drama it would have made Stanley Kubrick proud.

It was 2pm on Monday. I took the day off from work to finish repainting my bedroom from over the weekend.

I’ll save that update for another post.

GBD was over. She knew I had the day off and came by to see the room. We were upstairs. There was a rather hard knock at the door.

You know where this is going.

I went to the door and there was Mrs. Joe. I could tell she knew. She came in saying she needed something from the attic and went upstairs. I followed her, hoping there would be no scene. She ignored GBD and went into the attic, retrieved what she wanted and came back down stairs. She had a few choice words for me and left.

To my surprise, she came back about ten minutes later. I let her in. She went back upstairs and not-so-politely asked GBD to leave and that she needed to talk to her husband. GBD complied.

I won’t go into the conversation too much other than to say Mrs. Joe had officially hit rock-bottom emotionally. I understand how she could be upset for GBD being there but to make such a big scene? I tried to explain that I was getting on with my life and she could not control who I had in the house that she moved out of.

As the conversation went on, I started to realize that this was probably it, the last hurrah. The last chance at I don’t know what.

So I revealed all my secrets.

I stood there and told her I knew his name, his position and the store he works at. I told her how I knew and when.

She was speechless.

I told her about the time I sat on the porch of her apartment, knowing he was inside and how I did not act the way she just did.

She did not say a word.

I told her about the time I went to where he works and walked around until I found his picture on the wall, allowing me to put a face to a name.

Still nothing.

I then compared my reactions to hers. How I didn’t do anything while she made a big scene.

She settled down a bit. I don’t remember where the conversation went after that. She left, still rather angry but I think she began to realize her actions.

Since then she has apologized. I think she has begun to understand what she has done to me, herself and our family. I have not taken any action regarding us over the last few months. I now feel we are so far apart there can’t be reconciliation but I just can’t seem to close the book on her.

Some call it stupidity. At times I agree. But then I remember us before all of this and wonder if we can somehow go back there.

Pillow Talk

2008-11-13T13:21:00.007-05:00

Last month, I wrote about my bedroom walls being pink and how I wanted to repaint it, change the bedspread and make the room a little more masculine. I figured I should find something to focus on and go from there. Well, I found my focus.

In the spirit of foreplay, here is a picture.

I found the comforter in the attic. All I had to do was have it cleaned. From the Sunday paper, I picked up an advertisement from Raymour & Flanigan and there it was, sitting at the end of a couch. I went to the store later in the day to buy it. As you can imagine with the current economy, furniture sales aren’t too brisk so the salespeople aren’t too busy. With the ad in hand, I walked in. I was immediately approached by an attractive saleswoman who gave me her attention as if I was George Clooney.

“Hello sir, can I help you with something today?”

I lied and told her my wife sent me there for nothing but a single pillow.

You could see our supposed connection drain from her eyes. I immediately went from George Clooney to George Costanza.

Halfheartedly, the saleswoman showed me the pillow on display. I thought it looked even better than the picture in the ad. She then told me she would have to order it and it would take a week or two to arrive. No big deal, I thought. I wasn’t ready to paint yet, anyway.

I was then told how much it was.

$58

I told her I only wanted one pillow not two. She said that was the price for one. I decided that was what I wanted, $58 bucks or not, and told her okay. Without another word, never mind eye contact, she typed up the order, printed out the bill of sale and told me to take it over to the customer service area.

With her end complete, she thanked me for my purchase and walked away to find another customer.

I went to the customer service area, paid for the pillow and walked out of the store feeling a little cheated.

I mean, the least she could have done was take me over to the bedroom sets and ask me if I wanted to cuddle.

Fun Without Frostbite

2008-11-10T12:19:00.009-05:00

I went to the Patriots-Bills game yesterday. I’ve mentioned my buddy Big D has season tickets and I get to go to a game or two each year. One or two is plenty seeing the tickets are $117 a piece this year along with $40 to park.

We headed out at 9:00 am, knowing the beautiful weather would bring out more tailgaters than average for a game in November.

We parked and set up about 2 hours before the game. If you remember, I went to last year’s championship game and froze my ass off so it was a welcome change to sit and enjoy the pre-game party without the need for a Duraflame log and a disposable aluminum baking pan to keep somewhat warm.

Here is Big D’s tailgate setup.

A 15 year season ticket holder knows how to do it right.

We drank some beer and played some cribbage. While we waited for the BBQ chicken to finish on the grill we had little slices of salami rolled into cones with sour cream inside. As you can see, Big D takes care of all the food and drink. In return, I pay for parking. Thank God.

Here is the view from our seats.

Yes, I paid $117 to sit here.

After the game, we pulled out the grill and had a couple bratwurst with peppers and onions along with a beer or two. While we waited for the traffic, we watched the first half of the Raiders-Panthers game.

We packed up and headed for home around 6pm. I got back to my house around 8:30. It makes for a long day but well worth it.

I figure it is possible that the Brady-less Patriots could surprise us all and go deep into the playoffs. If we are still playing in January and I'm lucky enough to be asked to go to the game, I better be ready to pick up a firelog and aluminum pan just in case.

Shameless Plugs Without Any Compensation

2008-11-03T19:06:00.010-05:00

Ever since Mrs. Joe left, I have learned a lot of things about myself. One is that I have learned that my friends are more important to me than I ever thought. I learned that my friends are willing to stand by me no matter what but they aren't afraid to tell me I am wrong either.

Also, I have spent more time with them. I used to see them once a week or so but now when Mrs. Joe has the kids I am able to enjoy their company more often.

They have also turned me onto some music that I wouldn't necessarily listen to. I would usually listen to hard rock, Puddle Of Mudd, Seether, Breaking Benjamin, Staind, etc.

Yeah, some would say my taste in music needs to grow up.

Because of that, one friend turned me on to Pandora Radio. It is an online radio station that programs itself based on what you like and dislike. And you can create multiple stations base on certain styles.

Since I have found this, I have found a whole new world of music out there. And I have found one genre specifically that I can't get enough of right now.

Folk.

You heard me.

I love it.

I listen to it at work and have learned to appreciate it. More specifically, I can't get enough of the newer folk artists out there. Martin Sexton, KT Tunstall, Ben Harper & Ray LaMontagne, etc. Pandora calls it Contemporary Folk.

I call it good.

One singer has stood out above them all. GBD clued me in to him and I loved the music from the start. Amos Lee is from Philadelphia. He opened up for Norah Jones on her last tour.

Then I found out something even better.

He is currently on tour and was booked to play right up the road from me last week.

GBD & I went and I have to say it was one of the best shows I have ever seen. Mind you the last concert I had been to was Sevendust about nine years ago but this was so good.

I will not say I am done with my hard rocking ways. I bought tickets to see Staind and Seether outside Boston in two weeks, I just have broadened my tastes.

Now if I could just get Amos Lee & Staind to do a show together I could save over $30 bucks and only have to buy a ticket for one show.

Three Squares And A Cot...Not

2008-10-28T21:08:00.003-04:00

I want to share with you some of what I ate this past Sunday.

My breakfast included cold, syrup soaked pancakes along with some backwashed orange juice.

My lunch included left over wheat bread crust with the slight taste of peanut butter & fluff, half eaten green pepper slices along with watered-down cranberry juice.

My dinner included wheat bread crust with only slightly melted cheese along with half a bite of a cold hot dog left inside the ketchup soaked remains of a bun. I did leave the burnt, peeled off pieces of hot dog casing behind.

For dessert, I enjoyed broken Oreo cookie pieces left on the table. I washed it all down with the grey colored, lukewarm milk used by the kids to dunk the cookies in.

Oh, and I woke up yesterday morning with The Champ overtaking better than half of my bed as well as my pillow.

When did I become the family dog?

Thinking Pink

2008-10-25T18:55:00.013-04:00

It seems everywhere I look this month, I see the color pink. In most part, this is due to it being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

On a local level, there is a lot of publicity for a huge awareness walk sponsored by a nearby hospital. Kudos goes out to all who will be participating. There are a few I know personally who will be walking.

This has made me more conscious of something else pink, although no where near as important.

Right after we bought our house, Mrs. Joe and I repainted all the rooms. We had some art with us from the apartment we were in and used one piece per room for a focus. Below is a picture of the master bedroom with the piece we used to focus the room around.

The art is East Bay street in Charleston, SC. Often called Rainbow Row. We spent some of our honeymoon in Charleston. We loved the colors of the houses and found the print in a gallery while we were there.

If you focused your attention to the wall, you would have noticed my dilemma.

Yes, the bedroom walls are pink…

…which was fine while Mrs. Joe was still living here. The room wasn’t meant to be masculine in any way. As you see by the frilly, country style, quilt on the bed with matching pillows.

Mrs. Joe asked if I minded such a feminine bedroom. I didn’t. The way I looked at it was if I got laid on a regular basis in it, I didn’t care what color the room was.

But now with Mrs. Joe gone things are different. Obviously, I need to make the room a little more masculine.

I do not want to spend too much money so I have decided to leave the curtains. I will paint the walls but keep the trim color the same. The quilt is already gone. The comforter I have replaced it with will stay. I will look for a new bedside lamp as well.

So what I need to do is find a new focus point to bring it all together, something to base the new colors around. I’ll look for a different print for the wall or maybe a pillow with a pattern.

Or maybe I’ll hang a deer head, cover the bed with some plaid pattern and throw down a bearskin rug. Give it a cabin feel.

The chicks dig that, right?

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

2008-10-17T12:26:00.004-04:00

If I go to bed one more time with the Red Sox losing a must win playoff game and the miraculously pull it out, I'm going to shoot myself.

No, All The Leaves Are Not Brown

2008-10-13T21:24:00.029-04:00

I love Autumn in New England. The turning of the leaves make it the most beautiful time of the year.

Last year, Mrs. Joe bought The Champ the book "Why Do Leaves Change Color?". It explains what happens and why and has a bunch of artwork of leaves. Last year he wasn't too interested in it but this year his little mind was very curious.

We read the book last night and The Champ asked a bunch of questions. So this morning the three of us went on a little nature walk. We live within walking distance to a small private college so I figured most of the trees noted in the book could be found there. We also found a few along the nearby streets.

I was reminded how difficult it is to contain the enthusiasm of a 7 year old.

We walked around the college looking at the trees. I drive by this college every day but until you are standing there, with your attention focused on them, not on the everyday bullshit that life keeps you chained to, you realize how beautiful they can be this time of year.

The Champ made a list of the leaves we were looking for and we collected some samples. We also took some pictures to share with all of you.

Red Maple

Sugar Maple

White Birch

Silver Maple

Elm?

Beech

White Oak

Sassafras

All this within walking distance. Maybe we will try our luck again and go on another walk in a different location and see what beauty we can discover this time of year.

It Was Eleven Years Ago Today

2008-10-11T10:27:00.003-04:00

Let me ask you this.

What is an appropriate anniversary gift for your wife after she's spent the last nine months with another man?

Just curious.

Blood Red Delicious

2008-10-07T19:47:00.009-04:00

It is apple picking time here in New England. Is there any better way to spend an afternoon than walking around a hillside orchard with your 2 beautiful children soaking up the Autumn sun?

How about your estranged wife accompanying you.

Yes, Mrs. Joe invited me to join her along with Peanut & The Champ as they were going to a local farm to pick some apples this past weekend.

We have gone to the same orchard to pick apples for the last couple of years. I had planned on taking the kids this coming weekend. I would be lying if I said I had planned on inviting Mrs. Joe.

She told me the kids asked if I was coming so she decided to call me. Even though I know I was asked to come for the kids, I felt she enjoyed having me there as well. It was nice to spend time together as a family again.

The afternoon went great. The kids had a good time. Mrs. Joe and I got along very well under the circumstances. We picked more apples than we will ever care to eat.

As we were in the orchard, The Champ, placing an apple into the bag, turned to us and asked,

"Are these vampire apples?"

"Vampire apples? What are vampire apples?" I questioned.

"I heard mommy asking if this place had vampire apples."

With a chuckle, Mrs Joe replied, "Empire apples, Champ, Empire."

the apples of my eye

Anybody Got An Extra Tea Bag?

2008-10-03T16:17:00.006-04:00

Like you, I like coffee.

Good strong Starbucks type coffee. Black. No sugar. Well, maybe not like all of you.

During the week, I do not feel like spending $3 for one at Starbucks so in the morning I always take a coffee from home in one of those stainless steel travel mugs.

As a gift, I received a coffee maker that looks like this recently. It brews the coffee and puts it right into a travel mug.

So I will add the water and the coffee the night before and in the morning I turn it on as I get in the shower. After my shower, I have a hot cup-o-joe waiting for me.

Unfortunately, some mornings the coffee will wait longer than others. At times, Peanut or The Champ can be a little uncooperative and I have to focus a little harder on getting them fed, dressed and out the door. If they combine forces and make it a morning from hell, I will just grab the mug, without being able to enjoy a single sip, and off to work I go.

There in lies the problem.

If the planets align one more time and I forget to add coffee to the coffee maker the night before, leading to nothing but hot water being made and my little hellions force me to forgo my first sip until I get to work, I am going to be pissed.

A Response

2008-09-30T14:03:00.007-04:00

It seems my last post has caused quite a stir. A reader has taken to reacting quite emotionally to my comments regarding Mrs. Joe and our separation. Unfortunately, the poster was anonymous and I could not respond to their statements directly in an e-mail. So I will try to respond to some of their comments here. My apologies if I rattle on.

“I don't wish to sound hard but I can sympathize with her viewpoint. Her career was obviously important to her by the way you described her enthusiasm at the Career Day. I can see you were trying to praise her in that post but it was belittling and patronizing ("she can do something she likes and make a little money").”

The post you refer to is rather old. Thank you for being a loyal reader. Yes, I was praising Mrs. Joe and although you may think I was belittling her, I was not.

“The way you suggest that she should feel the same satisfaction from being a mother as to being successful at work highlights your lack of comprehension of your wife's feelings.”

She should not feel the same satisfaction from being a mother. She should feel MORE. Being a mother is the most important job in the world. So no, I cannot comprehend her feelings.

“Suggesting she reduce her hours would only have made her feel worse - it suggests you didn't really see her job as a worthy career and may as well cut it further.”

If my career caused problems with the raising of my kids I would make sacrifices to solve the problems. And by the way I have, more than once.

“She was looking for a way to balance the two and not be made to feel as if she had her priorities wrong.”

I have praised her more than once for trying to balance the two but in my opinion her priorities were wrong. The kids come first, not the career.

“In the same post you sum her up as "Mom and Wife", and you seem to think she should be happy with that. For many women this is not enough; there is clearly more to her that you didn't acknowledge and she wanted to be respected and loved for who she is, not just for being your wife and the mother of your children.”

I knew Mrs. Joe for over ten years before we got engaged. We were engaged for over a year before we got married. We were married for four years before our son was born. I believe I know her well enough to know her career was important to her. I guess my mistake was not knowing the amount would create such a rift.

“The very way you call her "Mrs Joe" indicates that you see her as a part of you, and not a person in her own right. She would have begun to see herself this way too and eventually something obviously snapped.”

Do you read any other blogs, or just mine? Everybody has pet names for their family members.

“It is easy to blame her for the breakdown of your relationship but you must take responsibility for how you treated her and made her feel. You say you wish she had come to you with these feelings - it sounds like she did but you weren't interested as they didn't fit with the "wife and mother" role.”

Maybe you are not the loyal reader I thought you were, because if you were, you would have read the multiple posts that point out my faults as well.

“I'm sorry that you and children are going through a difficult time but perhaps if you look at it from your wife's point of view it may be easier to understand.”

I’m sorry as well. Even looking at it from Mrs. Joe’s point of view, I cannot understand what she has done to me and our children.

“And unfortunately it isn't true that there is always time for a career later - if you wait till your children grow up and leave home and try to start a career at 40 you will find it very difficult. Of course children need their parents, I wouldn't say any different, but why should Mrs. Joe be made to feel selfish and inadequate as a mother for wanting a career?”

She is being selfish because her career is affecting the raising of our kids and she is not addressing it.

“It is important to have a life outside of your house and kids.”

Yes it is and she does. Did you read my pilates post?

"It's also about being independent - not everyone wants to rely on a husband to support them and not everyone likes to live life through their children. It is entirely possible to have a happy, stable family life and a happy and successful work life.”

But what if the happiness isn't there? You don’t ignore your husband’s attempts at addressing it. And you definitely don’t run to another man.

“Obviously I am an outsider and we've only got one side of the story but I don't think Mrs. Joe should be condemned for wanting to be more than "Mrs. Joe".”

There is no condemnation, just a request for balance between home and career that doesn't affect our kids.

“The comment is anonymous because I don’t have a blog and my name is irrelevant to the discussion.”

You should start one. I would love to read more of your opinions.

“Yes, I am in a loving, faithful long-term relationship and no I have never had to go to work or not go to work for my family.”

Then how can you comment on how important it is for one to work?

“My comments were not based on my own experiences as I have not been in this situation; I have been reading this blog for a while (not “jumping on one post”) and have simply interpreted Joe’s telling of the story and read between the lines.”

Please don’t read between the lines. Remember, you know what happens when you assume…

“It sounds very much as if she did try to tell him how she was feeling (they surely wouldn't have ended up at counseling if she’d kept her feelings to herself?) "

I initiated the counseling, not Mrs. Joe. And yes, we did talk about her feelings. The problem was the response from the counselor. She incorrectly directed us in ways that did not help our situation. But how were we to know at the time?

“Mrs. Joe’s affair was very wrong of course but that wasn't the issue discussed in the original post. Just because she eventually cheated doesn't mean we can automatically condemn her every action previously, nor does it mean that Joe is above blame just because nothing he did was as bad.”

I have never condemned her every action and again have taken blame in many ways.

“If he’d really wanted to wish her a happy birthday he would have done so and not posted a petty message designed to appeal for sympathy from the readers of the blog so you could all leave comments telling him what a great guy he is.”

Do you know if the post was the only birthday wish? Please stop assuming. Maybe you have never been in a situation where you look to your friends for comfort. If so, I envy you. And yes, my blog has, at times, turned into an appeal for sympathy. Under the circumstances, I do not regret it in the least.

“It is evident that even now he still doesn't understand where his wife was coming from; she didn't want to “come in out of the rain”, she wanted to be out, to run around, get wet, LIVE.”

If she wants to be selfish and run around in the rain, fine. She can do it on her own time. Unfortunately, Mrs. Joe has two beautiful children who could catch a cold in the meantime.

“It sounds like most of us have been fortunate enough to find someone who wants the same out of life as ourselves but sadly this isn't the case for Joe and his wife.”

I thought I found that someone but I guess I was mistaken. And it seems that a lot of us are in the same boat with the divorce rate at 50%. Please consider yourself lucky.

If you would like to e-mail me and discuss this any further please do. I would rather do it there than on my blog. I look forward to a reply.

Stormy Seasons

2008-09-25T20:44:00.007-04:00

One blog I do not read enough of is Oh, The Joys. Jessica is a great writer and her stories have made me laugh as well as think.

A recent post struck me like lightning from the summer’s first thunderstorm. If you didn't read it, she talks about living your life in seasons. She questions if she is focused enough on her career but notes that now is her season of motherhood.

What a great way to describe it.

This was the greatest challenge Mrs. Joe and I had after The Champ was born.

Mrs. Joe started working in retail while in high school and attended some college. She succeeded through hard work and good judgement. Over time she secured a middle management position that she enjoyed and did very well.

After the birth of The Champ, she stepped down from her management position and took a clerk’s position that allowed her to keep part time hours that could be worked around our family.

I've learned that’s when the storm clouds began forming.

Since she moved out, she told me that stepping down from her management position at work was very difficult. The challenges and rewards she once enjoyed through her job were no longer there. She said she felt demeaned as a clerk but tried to endure it for our family.

I asked why the challenges and rewards of being a mother did not replace those lost from her work. She said it wasn't the same.

I have always had a hard time understanding this. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. How could she not feel a sense of accomplishment?

We tried counseling. In the end, it did more harm than good. The counselor’s advice left Mrs. Joe feeling worse off than before. She kept these feelings from me, leaving me to think it helped. I was wrong.

A few years passed and along came Peanut. I seen her struggling and tried to help. I changed jobs, cutting more than an hour out of my workday. It helped a little. But with everything she was trying to do, the kids, the house, church, PTO and her job it seemed to me something needed to be sacrificed.

More than once, I talked with her about cutting back on her hours at work but nothing happened.

She later told me that asking her to cut back on her job was my biggest mistake. She said she needed her work. She needed what little sense of accomplishment her job gave her after the stressful times at home. She began to resent me for trying to take that away from her.

Mrs. Joe had a difficult time with her change of seasons. I just wish she would've come to me sooner with all of this and not tried to weather the storm all on her own.

If only she would have come in out of the rain.

Hope

2008-09-18T21:16:00.005-04:00

I hope you have had a good day today. I hope your friends took you out for dinner and drinks. I hope both your parents called.

I hope you get everything you wish for.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Joe.

Truce

2008-09-16T19:25:00.009-04:00

Although it isn't on the level of the Jews and the Palestinians, there was a truce brokered today.

And Jimmy Carter had nothing to do with it.

Today is The Champ's 7th birthday. I had the kids last night and before we started reading bedtime stories (Berenstain Bears AGAIN!) I asked him where he would like to go for his birthday dinner.

"The 99", he replied.

Good, some place with beer.

Earlier today while at work a thought came over me. Why don't I ask Mrs. Joe to come with us to dinner. I figured he would like both of us to be there and I know I could handle it so I figured why not.

Mrs. Joe picked them up after school today so I drove over there after I got out of work. As they were getting their shoes on I asked her if she would like to join us for The Champ's birthday dinner. It would be the first time we did anything as a family since she moved out in March.

At first she declined.

"It's not about you and I, it's about our son and you know he wants all of us there", I quietly snapped at her.

I mean seriously, the way I look at it, we are still his parents no matter what happens and both his parents should be there. We both should be able to put our differences aside for an hour or two and enjoy our son's 7th birthday, right?

She must have understood and decided to join us. As we entered the parking lot of the 99, The Champ let us in on a mistake he made.

"This isn't the restaurant I wanted to eat at. It must have been Applebee's".

So back across town we drove to Applebee's.

Good thing gas is under $3.75 a gallon here.

The four of us had a good dinner. The kids enjoyed hot dogs with ice cream sundaes for dessert. The crew came out and sang Happy Birthday. I enjoyed my first Sam Adams Octoberfest of the season.

Mrs. Joe & I got along well. We talked about The Champ's birthday party that we will be having this weekend as well as his progress in school. We left, I dropped her off at her apartment, came home and got the kids ready for bed. As I write this, she sent an e-mail thanking me for asking her to join us for dinner.

The evening was definitely a step in the right direction.

Only if I knew what direction that was.

Open Mouth Insert Broken Foot

2008-09-09T20:47:00.008-04:00

GBD & I have enjoyed each other's company quite a bit lately. We have talked alot about our marriages and the best way to handle the challenges they bring.

With talking to her, I become more secure with where I am going. With her, she is starting to admit to herself that something should be done.

She admitted to me that she will be looking for a divorce. I don't expect our relationship to advance whether she acts or not. I know the last thing I want is a relationship any more serious than what it currently is.

This past weekend, she asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with her and another couple. I had to take The Champ to soccer practice but was free after that.

I have met the other couple before. I know GBD & the girl work together and her boyfriend is a salesman for Harley-Davidson.

The one thing I learned before dinner was the boyfriend recently got hit by a car while on his bike and seriously broke his leg. He went through 2 or 3 operations and won't be back on his bike until next year.

So GBD & I were sitting at the bar having a drink as the other couple arrived. The boyfriend was on crutches. We all exchanged greetings and GBD excused herself and went to the ladies room.

As the three of us were standing there talking, (remember, the boyfriend is standing there with a broken leg), the girlfriend asked me how The Champ did at soccer practice. My brain decided to take a momentary vaction as I answered.

"Hey, he didn't break anything."

Yes, that did fall out of my mouth.

I apologized and thankfully he laughed it off. The last thing I want to do is piss off this guy. We all enjoyed a great dinner and good conversation.

And I did my best to keep any additional stupid comments to a minimum.

Every Morning Is Now Saturday Morning

2008-09-02T21:26:00.008-04:00

Respect the classics, man! - Fillmore, from the movie "Cars"

One thing about The Champ as he approaches his seventh birthday is his mastery of the television remote control. Gone are the days of me having to turn on the t.v. and finding the cartoons for him.

Although, one thing that I wish would go is the time he wakes up in the morning. Like clockwork, he still wakes by 6:30. The one saving grace now is that once he wakes up he will go downstairs to the living room, turn on the t.v. and watch some cartoons.

Thankfully, he hasn't found some of the other channels yet.

As I came downstairs Saturday morning, The Champ was in his usual spot. I kissed him good morning and asked him what he was watching.

"Blue's Clues", he replied.

He then followed up with a statement that made me feel like someone dropped an anvil on my head.

"Dad, I found this other cartoon channel and I watched Tom & Jerry."

"Really?" I replied.

"Did you know that Tom & Jerry was around when I was your age?" I told him.

"Yeah, it seemed kinda old-fashioned."

I then added some Metamucil to my coffee, opened up the paper to the obituaries and looked for anybody I knew.

Day One

2008-08-28T21:04:00.008-04:00

The Champ started 1st grade yesterday. Unfortunately for me, they were with their mother. I was able to see him, though. On the first day, the school greets all the kids together in the gym. The families are asked to attend. The teachers and staff are introduced. It's a good chance to catch up with the other parents after another amazingly short summer.

They are grouped together by grade so I was able to see him interact with the other kids in his class. I recognized most of the kids from last year. It is amazing that kids can be away from each other for two months but pick up right where they left off.

The Champ's teacher is new to the school. Better yet, she's new to a lot seeing this is her first teaching job out of college. I am a little concerned with that. The early grades are so important and to have such an inexperienced teacher worries me.

The backpack he chose this year was Speed Racer. Last year it was Cars. When did new school clothes and supplies include a new backpack?

Mrs. Joe and I had nothing to say to each other. Probably for the best. She talked with some of the other moms while I spent some time with Peanut.

So another school year is underway and the summer begins to draw to a close. I hope this change keeps his mind from wondering about his mother and me. I would much rather help him with his math or reading instead of trying to explain why mommy and daddy are still fighting.

already planning for recess

Brick By Brick

2008-08-21T22:17:00.016-04:00

Saturday, Peanut, The Champ & I took off early in the morning. I planned on taking them to a large park nearby so they could ride their bikes around.

The Champ learned how to ride this Spring and Peanut has moved up from a tricycle to a bicycle with training wheels.

With how slow Peanut is, I just walked along side of her, pushing her up the few hills and hanging on when we went down.

As I left my street, I drove past a yard sale and this caught my eye.

I immediately pulled over.

As a kid, I built with Lego blocks like every one else. But my next door neighbor had every one. All the city buildings, the train, even some from the space collection. His father set up a few folding tables in his basement for us. We played for days without coming up, creating and recreating city layouts.

So when I seen this I thought of The Champ and how much fun we would have putting it together. He has a few smaller sets but nothing from the Technic collection. They are really for older kids but I know he will be able to do it.

The box was a little beat up but it was taped shut. Everyone knows one missing piece and the whole thing might not go together. I asked the lady somewhat sarcastically what the chances were that all the pieces were still there.

"Oh yes, they're all there," she replied.

She added, "You know that set is over a hundred dollars".

"Lady, it ain't worth shit to me if some pieces are missing," I thought to myself.

"How much?" I asked.

"$20 bucks, " she replied.

So I took a chance and gave her a twenty. The worst thing that could happen would be a bunch of pieces were missing and he wouldn't be able to build the tow truck. But honestly, $20 bucks for all those pieces is still worth it. We could build other stuff. I took the box, put it in the trunk and went to the park.

We got home later and I was curious as to how much this thing actually cost new. She was a little off.

But the best part was when we opened the box later in the day. Safe to say all the pieces are there seeing they haven't been taken out of the original plastic bags yet.

So unless an entire bag of blocks is missing I scored a major yard sale find. although I am definitely a novice when it comes to yard sales...

...I didn't even try to haggle her on the price.

In The Spirit Of Fairness

2008-08-19T09:05:00.000-04:00

A few days back, Whit, over at Honea Express shared with us pictures of his son Atticus heading off to his first day of school.

In good fun, I may have questioned if he was looking for ammunition for future bribery by dressing him in red plaid.

Noting he could have dressed his son worse, Whit replied with a photo of himself as a youngster.

Well, in the spirit of fairness, I will share with all of you a similar photo of myself.

At least I'm smiling in mine.

Anybody else want to share their pictures?

To The Extreme

2008-08-15T20:32:00.013-04:00

Combine the extremes, and you will have the true center - Friedrich Von Schlegel (1772–1829), German philosopher.

Every day now is to the extreme.

I am learning a valuable lesson that I would assume most single parents, and some others, can attest to. Whether the day is spent with Peanut & The Champ or alone, every day takes me to the extreme.

Mrs. Joe and I agreed to a 50-50 split when it came to time spent with the kids. She has them a little more than I do because she does not work 40 hours a week but it is fairly close. It breaks down mostly 1 week with the kids, 1 week without.

Tonight is the first night I have had the kids since last week. I had seen them a few times here and there but this is the first time they are spending the night with me all week. We went out to dinner and went to Barnes and Noble for story time after. They ate a good dinner and behaved while the story was read so they each got to pick out a book for me to read to them at bedtime. We got home, I got them into their pj's, had them brush their teeth, read the new stories and put them to bed. After, I had laundry to fold and mail to go through.

Tomorrow we are going shopping for school supplies and may stop at a friends house to go swimming if the weather cooperates. Maddie is starting to leave the tricycle behind and ride her brothers old bike with training wheels. I feel the need to spend some time helping her with that. I haven't throw a baseball to The Champ in I don't know how long. I could think of a bunch of other things if time allows.

That is what I mean by extremes.

Because I have not spent any time with them all week, I feel the need to cram all these things into the little time I have with them this weekend. Come Monday, I will get home from work and have to start dinner for us. After dinner, it's baths and a little time together before bed. Then it's lunches, dishes from dinner, etc.

I know come the end of next week, after an entire hectic week of kids to the extreme, I will be ready to let their mother take them. I get mad at myself knowing that I admittedly want time to myself.

How can I not want to have my kids with me?

But once they are with their mother, the other extreme comes out. Extreme free time. Free time to spend outside the house. The same house that I was in the previous week, trying to parent two little maniacs all by myself.

So I will escape, like I did last weekend. I went out with friends on Friday night, drank too much, narrowly avoided a DUI arrest, only because someone else offered to drive (she was not so lucky) and found myself crawling into bed around 4 am. I spent Saturday with GBD, doing things with a married woman I am not supposed to do. Which rolled all the way into Sunday night, sitting on the deck of a lakefront bar, still with GBD, completely exhausted from a weekend of escape wondering what my beautiful children have done that weekend.

Again, extremes.

I know this is how it will be now. It is true, too much of a good thing is not good for you. I know I must bring these two extremes closer together. I must relax and not try to do so much with the kids. Quality not quantity.

I also must step back from the partying. I am not 21 and shouldn't pretend to be. I can enjoy a night out without worrying if the cops are going to get involved. The house need some work anyway. My bedroom needs a coat of paint. Who will believe I wanted a pink bedroom, anyway?

Maybe starting there the center will become more focused.

A Handle On It No More

2008-08-12T22:03:00.007-04:00

Two weeks ago I decided to hit the pause button regarding my divorce from Mrs. Joe. At the time, it seemed a good decision.

After further review, I have decided it wasn't the pause button I should have hit.

I should have hit the delete button.

After our conversation, Mrs. Joe has decided that a reconciliation will not work out. She sent me and e-mail telling me this (how nice!) and asking what day would be good for meeting again with the divorce mediator.

After thinking about this for a few days, I came to the conclusion that a divorce was probably what she wanted all along. And with me being the one filing, she didn't have to feel any additional guilt. Once I told her I wasn't going to push her, I guess she figured she had to take control of the situation.

Fine by me.

She e-mailed me again earlier tonight asking what day would be good for the appointment. I replied that it didn't matter to me. I will let her handle this from now on.

And in 15-20 years from now when Peanut & The Champ are older and ask me what happened, all I will have to do is give them this blog address.

And let Mrs. Joe handle that, too.

A Spoon! A Spoon! My Kingdom For A Spoon

2008-08-05T12:00:00.001-04:00

When Mrs. Joe left, she cleaned me out of most of the kitchen stuff. Luckily, (I'm going to hell for saying that) her grandmother passed away just prior to her leaving so I got all her pots, pans, dishes and silverware.

I didn't care. The pots and pans were wedding gifts as well as the silverware. The dishes were some Pfaltzgraff set that Mrs. Joe bought long before we got married. As long as the freezer in the basement and the microwave stayed put, I knew I would survive with paper plates and plastic ware.

As for the silverware, I was a little worried about Peanut & The Champ. You all know that the little ones need little flatware. So when the day came and Mrs. Joe moved out, I assumed she would take all the kid's forks and spoons.

She left some, thankfully.

The problem is with my little princess, Peanut. She has fallen in love.

She has fallen in love with a spoon.

I don't know where we got this spoon but Peanut will not use any other spoon. It's not like it's the only one though

There are three of them but it seems the problem is the other two aren't yellow. The one on the left has yellow in the handle but it's still not the yellow one. Yesterday, I tried to offer one of the other spoons to which she replied,

"I want the yellow spoon!"

"But the yellow one is dirty from breakfast this morning."

"Can you wash it, please."

So to insure dinner was eaten without a meltdown of epic proportions, I promptly went and washed the yellow spoon for the third time. You would think she was born with in her mouth.

Does anybody know where I can get a few more of these? Remember, it has to be the yellow one.

Pause

2008-07-31T21:22:00.003-04:00

I have offered to hit the pause button.

Not the stop button, just the pause button.

It seemed over the past week Mrs. Joe was giving me signals that she might want to talk. I asked her and she agreed. I went over to her apartment Sunday night after Peanut & The Champ were asleep.

We talked for about two hours. There was no arguing, just an open and honest conversation about us and the mistakes we have made. We agreed on some things, disagreed on others. But most of all, we came to the understanding that our marriage does not stand a good chance of being reconciled.

But we did agree that it’s not dead yet.

Prior to that, I had an appointment with my therapist Saturday afternoon. We talked about my pending divorce and what was next. I told her the initial filing with the court is the next step. She asked me what I was going to accomplish by filing.

“It will force her to make a decision,” I replied.

“And by forcing her to make a decision, what if she makes the wrong one?” she asked.

I tilted my head to the side like a dog to his master and gave her this dumbfounded look, “Huh?”

She went on to explain that one result could be she that decides to come back but 2-3 years down the road she realizes she made the wrong decision and leaves again, or worse, starts another affair.

Another result might be she decides to go along with the divorce but comes to the conclusion that coming back might have been the correct choice. Unfortunately, one of us might be in new relationship and reconciliation may not be possible.

It seems to make sense. I doubt I will feel any different about her whether I am divorced from her or not. I have proven to myself that I can get along without her. I don’t think she will hurt me financially and forcing her hand will only push her farther away emotionally.

I don’t expect any decisions any time soon. She seems to be having too much fun being single again. I do know that I won’t be waiting by the phone. I will continue to move on and face her if and when she comes around.

So after these two conversations I have offered to put the divorce filing on hold for now. To give Mrs. Joe some additional time to think, I guess. Will it help? I don’t know. Will I even take her back? I don’t know that either. Every day it seems more and more remote. But I do know that if and when she makes a decision it will be all her own and she will have to live with it.

Like all the decisions she has made so far.

Let’s just hope she thinks a little clearer from now on.

I’ve Always Been A Breast Man

2008-07-29T12:20:00.004-04:00

Breasts and loins.

I’ve learned there’s a difference.

In chicken, I mean.

In my ongoing attempts to learn how to cook I made a slight misstep this weekend. I was at the meat counter Friday after work deciding what I wanted to make myself for dinner this weekend and I wanted to try something new. I survived my own hot dogs, hamburgers, steak and even pork chops, all without a problem.

I decided to try to grill some chicken. I have been a little nervous about chicken. Unlike steak, it seemed difficult to tell if it is fully cooked or not so I have stayed away from it. But I felt a little brave with my past successes.

Besides, I didn’t have the kids this weekend so if I got salmonella or something I could have handled it alone without having to explain to the kids why daddy was throwing up all over them.

So I got home, turned on the grill and opened a bottle of Magic Hat’s Hocus Pocus. I took the package of chicken out of the fridge, opened it and promptly learned a lesson.

Chicken tenderloins are not chicken breasts.

Before, Mrs. Joe would buy boneless, skinless chicken breasts. She would either marinate them or just cover them with BBQ sauce. So as I stood at the meat counter, I picked up a package of chicken. They looked like breasts and they were skinless so into the basket they went.

I decided not to try the tenderloins. Too risky. I put the package back into the fridge and took out a rib eye.

Considering the mistake I made, maybe the steak should’ve been a rump roast.

Actions & Words

2008-07-24T20:37:00.011-04:00

Last month I posted about my fear of what might happen if Mrs. Joe wanted to come back. I mean honestly, am I ready to begin addressing things like trust, honesty and forgiveness.

I know right now I'm not. I still bounce from anger to sadness to love for her all in the same day. Whenever I see her I still note how beautiful she is, even as I want to wrap my hands around her neck (figuratively speaking).

As a part of divorce in Massachusetts, the parents, by law, have to attend a class that discusses how to handle the situation around the children. It is pretty much a waste of time, and $60 bucks, if you have any common sense. Yes, I am fully aware I shouldn't refer to my ex as a bitch in front of the children. I don't need some family counselor telling me that.

Anyway, the divorce mediator Mrs. Joe & I are seeing told us to attend this class before our next appointment with him. I took the class in May while Mrs. Joe took the class while I was on vacation.

With that done, I emailed her asking if she wanted me to make another appointment with the mediator.

She replied, "All I can say is do what you need to."

Why does she continue to leave the door slightly ajar?

Lines like that mess with my head. Does she want me to call? Does she not want me to call? Does she give a shit either way?

I decided to try talking with her to see what, if anything, was going on. We talked on the phone for about a half an hour. She did not admit to anything regarding a change in feelings and she still didnt close the door, either.

Head...Going...To...Explode!!!!

So I have decided to try to stop reading into what she says and to focus on what she does. Maybe she is as confused as I am. I don't know.

What I found out though is after that phone call that I had with her she proceeded to spend the weekend in his bed.

Did she have to yell?

Dirty Little Secret

2008-07-18T21:02:00.012-04:00

The day started out like any other day. Peanut & The Champ were at their mother's. I got up, took a shower, got dressed and went to work.

I worked until my usual time, but instead of going home I headed across town. Getting my hair cut once a month by the same lady for the last 20 years was the only reason for me to go to that part of town.

Until this week.

After I got my hair cut, I detoured slightly into the parking lot of the newest store of the local supermarket chain. I usually do my shopping at the store near my house but the radio advertised its grand opening all week with big specials and giveaways.

I walked in and grabbed a basket. I didn't need too much. I was more there to see what was inside. The store was beautiful. They tried to copy Whole Foods with the fancy produce racks and specialty departments.

I grabbed a red grapefruit along with a cantaloupe. The kids love cantaloupe. I added a package of chicken breasts. We'll see if I can grill those without making myself sick. I put a loaf of cornbread toast in the basket for The Champ and a box of Rice Krispies for Peanut. Breakfast is served.

That was about all I needed.

Except for one last thing.

I found out this store has one thing the store near my house didn't have and I had to see it to believe it. It was near the courtesy booth at the other end of the store.

As I walked over and looked up there it was.

I became a little anxious. Thank God for the Xanax.

I couldn't believe what I saw but there it was, just hanging there.

A picture of the bastard who is fucking my wife.

Apparently he is the night manager.

How I found out doesn't matter. Why I went there I don't really know. Curiosity, I guess. I don't feel any different about the situation. My head still spins when I think of them together. Just now I can put a face on him.

I played it safe. He wasn't working. I checked the parking lot for his truck. Yes, I know what he drives, would you like his plate number? I don't need that kind of hassle. It's probably better off that they don't know I know.

But a time will come...

Not Too Much Of Some Good Things

2008-07-14T19:35:00.012-04:00

Mrs. Joe had the kids this weekend so I was able to get some work done around the house. The lawn needed mowing, the bushes needed trimming, the rugs needed to be vacuumed along with a few batches of laundry.

As you can imagine, the idea of camping on the couch with a few beers watching the Red Sox never materialized.

I got most of the work taken care of on Saturday because I knew I had plans yesterday. Myself, GBD and a few friends went to a cookout at a friend of her's house. She came over early and she showed me how to make the taco salad that we took to the cookout. I've learned taco salad is like sausage, it tastes good but you don't want to see it made.

I learned that this cookout has happened once a year for over ten years. The best part was the host is a drummer in a few local bands. He gets them and a few other bands to play at his house for the day.

We showed up to find almost a hundred people in lawn chairs or sitting on blankets listening to some good music. With that many people, you can imagine how much food there was. The beer was supplied as well. I enjoyed a couple #9s from Magic Hat Brewing Co. as well as a few Blue Moon Belgian White Ales.

It turned out to be another great time out with GBD.

I haven't mentioned the birthday present she got me yet, either. Before I left for vacation, she showed up with one of these.

First, let me say I am completely behind the times when it comes to anything iPod. I had not bought any music in years and the last CD player I used broke about 2 years ago. I told her this was way too much of a gift but she would have none of it. I downloaded iTunes and have spent too much money on songs for it. I also added a bunch of songs from my CDs. I even bought an adapter for my car's tape deck (yes, my car doesn't even have a CD player) so I could listen to it in my car.

I didn't realize how great this little thing is. I used it all afternoon Saturday while I was picking up the house and as I mowed the lawn. It is amazing how they can fit 250 songs (it's the 1gig) on something this small.

With a gift like that and the good times we have shared, it's tough not to think about things getting serious between us. We have talked off and on about what we have together. We still are at the same conclusion that it will stay where it is, two friends enjoying time together, helping one another with their problems and the occasional missteps. We both know this relationship is built on shaky ground to say the least. With a possible end at every corner.

But for me, right now, it's all I got.

Affecting Us All

2008-07-10T21:16:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the large gap between posts. With vacation last week and catching up around the house, it’s been hectic.

Our vacation to Cape Cod was good. It was nice to see my in-laws. They were happy to see the kids. The weather cooperated most of the time. We spent our days at the beach, both bay side and ocean side. Watching them chase the tides out and scramble back before getting wet was special. The bay side allows Peanut & The Champ to have more fun in the water without me worrying about them being taken out to sea.

There is also a freshwater pond close by that the kids love to go to. It’s was good in that I worked on teaching The Champ how to swim. I knew how to swim at his age but that was because my grandparents had a pool. The Champ isn’t so lucky. I wish Mrs. Joe would look into swimming lessons at the Y seeing she has a family membership but I have no control over that.

My in-laws were as nice as ever. I tried not to bitch about Mrs. Joe but some times it got the better of me. Some of you remembered my birthday is July 4th. Well, when Mrs. Joe called to talk to the kids that day, she couldn't even toss out a “Happy Birthday” to me.

It gets easier every day.

I had a few conversations with my mother-in-law after the kids went to bed. We have always got along, at times better with me than with her daughter. She told me how upset she is about everything that is going on. We tried to make sense of it all but in the end we just became frustrated. It’s sad to hear how others are affected by all of this. Although we didn’t have much success, I think our talks were good.

As we were leaving Monday morning, my mother-in-law handed me a small box of chocolates from the little candy store in town. She asked me to give it to Mrs. Joe. Included was a postcard inviting her to come out to the beach house with the kids. As I dropped the kids with Mrs. Joe, I gave her the gift, telling her it was from her mother. I don’t know if she will take her up on the offer but I think it will be good for all if she did.

Sand, Sea, Shells and Single

2008-06-29T13:47:00.007-04:00

The company I work for shuts down the week of the 4th of July. So every year, Mrs. Joe and I would take the kids to Cape Cod for vacation that week. Best part was that we would spend it with her mother and step-father who own a house there. They are there for the entire summer so they would look forward to us coming out so they could see the kids.

I assumed with everything going on with Mrs. Joe things would be different this year.

They are going to be but not exactly how I expected.

My in-laws are aware of what is going on with Mrs. Joe & I and they aren't too happy. Let's just say my in-laws have made their opinions known to Mrs. Joe and with that, Mrs. Joe has decided she is not going there for vacation this year.

After hearing this, my in-laws asked me if I wanted to come out with the kids for the week anyway. I figure it's not my kids fault that their parents are splitting up, why shouldn't they get the vacation they want with the people they want to be with. It will be helpful with my in-laws there. I won't have to do everything myself.

Besides its free. Well, maybe a case of Sam Adams but still worth it.

So I decided to take them up on the offer.

I plan on packing tomorrow and heading out on Tuesday. We will stay through the week and come home on the following Monday. That's another perk of having them live there, I don't have to come and go on the weekend with everbody else.

Weather permitting, we will hit the beach every day. Play some miniature golf a few times, eat way too much ice cream and watch the parade on Friday. The same as every year.

Except this year their mother will not be enjoying it with us...

...and that is her loss.

Hope everybody has a good holiday.

I Would Bribe Them With Cake If I Knew How To Bake

2008-06-23T21:15:00.010-04:00

While Mrs. Joe & I were together, the kitchen rules were simple; Mrs. Joe cooked, I did the dishes. She enjoyed cooking and simply put, I didn't. Also, Mrs. Joe did not care much for doing the dishes so it was a simple decision.

So one of the biggest challenges I have had to undertake since Mrs. Joe left was cooking. I have never found any interest in cooking. I could eat t.v. dinners or take-out every night of the week but the kids make me want to at least try to cook.

Problem is the kids have been raised to be the pickiest eaters I know. Even back then, Mrs. Joe would try in vain to get them to try new things. I admit I could have done a better job of helping her get them to try something new. Unless it is a chicken nugget or a hot dog, prepare for battle. For their credit, they eat their fair share of fruits and vegetables so the lack of meat options isn't the end of the world.

Until, of course, you are sick of feeding them nuggets and hot dogs and are trying to get them to eat something else.

Today, my sister was watching the kids and as I got home from work it hit me, What am I going to make the picky little ~~bastards~~ angels for dinner. They must be sick of nuggets and hot dogs. Maybe they will try something new.

So the question was sent, "What do you guys want for dinner?"

In unison "Hot dogs"

Aren't you sick of hot dogs?

NO!

"Daddy's going to make pork chops on the grill. You want to try some?"

Peanut responded, "I don't like them".

Followed by The Champ, "I want a hot dog".

So again, under the pressure of my 3 and 6 year olds, hot dogs it was.

I decided to make the pork chops anyway. I am pretty happy with myself regarding cooking. 6 months ago I had no interest in it, now I kind of look forward to opening up a beer while I throw a steak or chops on the grill. Unfortunately my kids don't find my new ability worth a hill of beans.

So for dinner tonight I had pork chops with some rice and corn. Peanut & The Champ dined on hot dogs and corn. Peanut ate some rice but The Champ steered clear. I asked them a few times if they wanted to try some but they declined. I guess all I will do is offer them choices and maybe they will try it, maybe not.

At least one of us trying new things.

Not The Only One In Hot Water

2008-06-19T21:03:00.014-04:00

She asked me if I wanted to go for lobster.

I should have said no.

But I didn't.

She asked me to take this past Monday off from work.

I should have said no.

But I didn't.

GBD & I left early in the morning and drove out to Gloucester & Rockport, MA for the day. Glouster & Rockport are beautiful towns on Cape Ann, north of Boston. I found out she lived near there for a few years. She found out that I had never been there before.

We arrived in Gloucester around noon. We stopped for a beer at The Crow's Nest, which was made famous in the book & movie The Perfect Storm. After enjoying the locals for a while we drove over to Rockport.

We parked the car in town and fed the meter a couple of hours in quarters. We walked around for a while. She showed me the town and did some shopping. Rockport has a bunch of typical tourist shops but they are all in beautiful historic houses. I could have walked around for hours just looking at the history.

I learned Rockport is very famous for one thing. A simple fishing shack.

My photo of Motif Number 1

After my brief art history lesson, it was time for dinner. We didn't have to walk far. On Bearskin Neck at the harbor is the Roy Moore Lobster Company.

Yes, that's it.

Now I am not one to claim to be a lobster connoisseur but it is evident that the storefront didn't scream "best lobster in town".

I was defintely mistaken.

We walked in and GBD ordered 2 lobsters. We went out to the back deck while they boiled them. The deck was nothing more than wood crates overlooking the harbor. We were thinking of hitting a brewpub on the way home so we asked the owner if there was one close.

Did I mention Rockport is a dry town?

He mentioned one in Salem, but nothing too close. After ten minutes they called our order and we went and got our dinner. It had to be the best lobster I ever had. Too bad, I thought, a beer would have gone great with it.

No sooner did I say that did the owner walk out with two Harpoon I.P.A.s for us.

feast for kings

After dinner we headed home. Back to the other lives we lead. I have to say I had another great time with her.

I will also admit to the obvious.

I am having an affair with a married woman.

Fear Of The Unknown

2008-06-12T20:41:00.011-04:00

We advance on our journey only when we face our goal, when we are confident and believe we are going to win out. - Orison Swett Marden

A few months ago, as my attempts to repair my marriage failed, I was scared of the journey that lay before me. I wondered if I would be able to take care of my children as a single father. I wondered if I could keep up with all the duties at home while working full time. I wondered if I would be able to handle knowing that my wife of ten years was intimately involved with another man.

Through this I have learned a lot about myself. I now know I can take care of my kids by myself, maybe even better now than before. I know it is not the end of the world if Peanut & The Champ eat cereal for dinner once in awhile. I know that even though the rugs may not get vacuumed as much as they should, my house is a sound shelter. And I also know that I am able to handle those thoughts of Mrs. Joe with him.

As I advance on this journey with the added strength of knowing that I can reach my goal, a new fear has emerged. I now worry what may happen if I come to a fork along the path of this journey. A specific fork that could turn everything upside down.

One way is the current path. The path I've been on for a while. A path now very straight and clear but long. It focuses on getting on with my life without Mrs. Joe, being single again, only seeing my kids part time but making the best of the time I have.

The other path is dark, with many twists and turns and unknown in length. The goal is undefined and difficult to understand. This path is what scares me most of all.

What if Mrs. Joe wants to come back?

To Be Six, If Only For A Minute

2008-06-09T21:18:00.007-04:00

So I mentioned previously about The Champ being invited by his friend Nate to the Red Sox game this past Saturday. Well, the game turned out great with an 11-3 win. The weather was a little hot but Nate's mom & I kept the kids cool with water & Italian ices.

At $3.75 a piece. Ouch!

We sat farther up the third base line the I had thought but we were only 10-15 rows from the field. Until you are practically sitting under a home run hit by Manny, you can't get the true feeling of how quickly the ball leaves the park.

As the game ended and our great day at the park seemed to be coming to and end as well, the announcer invited anybody under the age of sixteen the chance to run the bases.

Follow the blue #10.

How cool was that!

To think he didn't even realize who else has touched those same bases over the last 100 or so years.

Rewarded For Good Behavior

2008-06-06T06:19:00.003-04:00

It seems I am being rewarded for good behavior. Good dad behavior specifically.

Back in March, I wrote about The Champ having his friend Nate over for a Sunday afternoon play date. Everybody seemed to get along and nobody broke anything. Well, Nate and his sister were invited to Peanut’s birthday party last week. At the party, their mom came over to me and asked if I had plans for this coming Saturday.

I noted we had nothing going on.

“I was wondering if you and The Champ would like to go to see the Red Sox with Nate & I.”

She went on to tell me that her dad has some kind of weekend ticket package and she gets 4 tickets to a couple games a year. She went on to say something that made me giggle like a schoolgirl being asked to the prom.

“They are box seats on the third base line right behind the dugout.”

I think I began jumping up and down, screaming "oh my God" at the top of my lungs wondering what I was going to wear.

It’s a 4:00 game, so we are heading out around noon. Hopefully we can get there early enough to try and get some autographs. Unlike last year, the train station delays kept us away until the start of the game. It will be a long day for the boys. We will not be home until 10 or so. The weather looks great, temperature in the 80’s without any rain.

A great day for a ball game with your son.

I have to remember to tell The Champ that Nate can come back over ANY time he wants.

Did He Open The Phone Book, Close His Eyes And Point?

2008-06-03T21:19:00.010-04:00

One of the last things Mrs. Joe and I did with the kids before she moved out was to reward The Champ for a good report card. We started with dinner at Applebee's where the kids dined on grilled cheeses and fries and enjoyed ice cream for dessert.

Although dinner wasn't the reward he asked for, I figured we would go out for dinner first. At the time I thought spending time as a family would show Mrs. Joe the enormous mistake she was making

Obviously, it didn't work.

Anyway, after dinner we went to Wal-Mart to get The Champ what he asked for. Now you think to yourself that he asked for a toy. Maybe a Spider-Man action figure or some Hot Wheels play set.

You would be wrong.

Or you might think he wanted a new baseball glove or soccer ball.

Wrong again.

The correct answer would be that he wanted a pet. Yes, a pet, from Wal-Mart. He seen it one day with Mrs. Joe and begged for one from then on. We told him if he got a good report card we would take him to Wal-Mart and he could pick one out.

And what kind of pet did he ask for?

Yes, a fish.

Apparently Wal-Mart sells fish. I don't look at it as I bought The Champ a fish from Wal-Mart as much as I rescued a fish from Wal-Mart.

Some people adopt greyhounds from the dogtracks, I rescue bettas from low price box stores.

Either way that is what he wanted and that is what he got. The fish stayed behind after Mrs. Joe moved out. The Champ is responsible to feed him the days he is here. We change the water together and he decorates the tank. I told The Champ to name him but he could not come up with anything at first. He finally got around to giving it a name last week.

And the name The Champ chose?

Ester.

Yes, Ester.

Don't ask me where it came from. The Champ says he doesn't know. I figure the fish should not complain about a name like Ester.

He could still be at Wal-Mart.

Already Chasing The Ladies

2008-05-30T15:29:00.005-04:00

So with spring in full swing, I am doing my best to keep Peanut & The Champ busy outdoors. Not that I let them spend the winter in front of the television watching cartoons, I just think it is better for them to be outside if the weather is nice.

We live on a small side street with only four houses. Unless you live on my street or visiting someone who does, there is no reason for you to be on it. With that, I let Peanut & The Champ ride their bikes in the street as long as they stay away from the ends. I also make sure The Champ keeps an eye on his sister.

Last fall, I tried to convince The Champ that we should take the training wheels off of his bike. He wasn't too interested so I didn't push the issue. A few times over the winter, I told him he was going to learn to ride his bike without the training wheels once the weather got better. He seemed to want to try it but you could tell he had reservations.

So spring came but with everything going on I had yet to address the training wheel issue.

Then Mia came over.

Mia is a little girl who lives across the street from us. She is the same age as The Champ but goes to a different school. Her parents are either separated or divorced, I’m not sure. Her mom works full time and they are not home that much. The kids have only played together a few times but since the nicer weather has begun, Mia & The Champ have been outside riding their bicycles. Mia’s bike is a little different than The Champ’s.

Hers does not have any training wheels.

The Champ was usually seen following behind Mia. He would try to keep up but the training wheels seem to hold him back. He did not say anything to me at first but after a couple of days, The Champ started hinting to me about taking them off.

This past Saturday, The Champ was outside riding his bike with Peanut but Mia was not home. I noticed the training wheels were pushed up high and he was pedaling along fine without the use of the wheels to keep his balance.

I grabbed a wrench and took them off.

And with one good push, off he went without the help of the training wheels.

He spent the next hour or so riding his bike along our street without the training wheels. He was back out there the next day, riding around as well. He has fallen a few times but for the most part I am amazed at how easily he has picked it up.

Unfortunately since then, Mia has not been around. He has asked repeatedly to go and see if she is home. I know he wants to show her how he can ride his bike like she can.

So now another lesson, for him to be learned and for me reminded.

Boys will always chase the girls, no matter what age.

The problem for me is what to say to him when he catches one.

Celebrating A Child’s Innocence

2008-05-28T01:00:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday, Peanut.

Today Peanut turns 3 years old. We celebrated her birthday with our families and some friends on Monday with a party at Mrs. Joe’s. It was our first function since the separation. Although there was much tension between Mrs. Joe & I, everybody seemed to take things in stride.

Peanut received all the gifts a princess should get. A Dora puzzle, Barbie dolls, a toy camera, a Care Bear. The kids enjoyed pizza, juice boxes and ice cream cake. The adults enjoyed pizza and cake too, along with the season’s first bottles of Sam Adams Summer Ale.

Mrs. Joe & I agreed to split up the cost evenly. I offered to host the party but she said she would. No need to argue, I thought. This is about our daughter, not us. Although windy, the day and the party turned out very nice.

I will assume in time events like this will become easier for me to handle. I did my best to be nice. I’d like to think Mrs. Joe did the same.

Besides, the day wasn’t about us, it was about a little girl.

A little girl who is celebrating only her 3rd birthday.

A little girl who’s entire life is before her.

A little girl who’s world in some ways has been turned upside down.

And luckily, she doesn’t even know it.

Keep Moving, Nothing To See Here

2008-05-24T19:58:00.011-04:00

Just when I thought I might, just might be starting to get my mind free of Mrs. Joe...

When I have Peanut & The Champ for the weekend, the plan is that I stop by Mrs. Joe's apartment after work on Friday and pick them up. I had to work late this past Friday so I e-mailed Mrs. Joe earlier in the day and told her I would be picking them up later than usual.

She replied, "I'm going out with my girlfriend tonight so can you please be here by 5:15?"

"Not a problem" I told her.

I arrived at 5:15 to pick up the kids. They let me in as they were getting ready. As I knelt down helping Peanut with her shoes, Mrs. Joe walked into the room.

She looked fantastic.

Bitch.

Her hair was beautiful with perfect makeup. She had a maroon blouse on that I had never seen before. It made her girls the instant eye grabber. Along with a great looking pair of jeans, she had a new pair of black open toed heels with her toenails painted a matching maroon polish.

Sorry, open toed heels are hot. Call it a fetish.

If it wasn't for the phone call from her friend as we were leaving saying she was running late, I would have assumed she was going out with him.

But does it really matter who she was looking good for?

Other than it was not for me.

I'm A Cowboy, On The Sidelines I Ride

2008-05-20T21:04:00.006-04:00

The spring soccer season has finally arrived here at our house, with an added twist.

Two weeks ago, we got a phone call from the league director telling us there was a meeting scheduled before the season would get started. The Champ and I attended the meeting and found out his team needed a volunteer to coach.

Lucky for me, I’m short and was standing in the back of the room.

Not that I wouldn't mind coaching, I just did not think I knew enough about soccer to coach 5 & 6 year olds. I soon found out it didn't matter. The unlucky dad that happened to be in the front volunteered to coach. He pointed out his minimal knowledge of the sport but the league director said it was okay and he could show him simple drills he could run with the kids.

He admitted at that age you really just need to herd them into the right direction, kind of like cattle.

Hearing all of that, I figured I should at least offer to be an assistant. I was immediately accepted so that made me the assistant coach to The Champ’s soccer team.

If this spaghetti western only stopped there.

This weekend we had our first games. We were only able to have one practice last week. Only six kids showed up for the one practice out of a roster of ten. We ran the drills that were shown to us and the kids had fun. The coach and I were thankful that nobody broke anything before the first game.

I can’t say the same for the coaching staff.

The Champ’s first game was Saturday and as we were waiting for the earlier game to finish, up comes the head coach.

On crutches, thanks to a broken foot received the day before at work.

That left me, the greenhorn, the one who played organized soccer to the ripe old age of 10, to run the sidelines.

We did pretty well this past weekend. Even though the same 6 kids showed up and had to play the whole game. They scored 5 goals on Saturday and 2 on Sunday. Better yet, they had fun. We have games until the end of June. The head coach will probably be lame until then so I’ll be the one running after these little calves.

I wonder if they will let me bring my lasso.

A Higher Power At Work?

2008-05-13T12:22:00.009-04:00

We found ourselves in a place Saturday night knowing we probably should not have been.

But we were having a great time.

We didn't want it to end.

The restaurant was new and I got reservations by chance.

Our table was in the center where we could people watch and comment.

She enjoyed her 2 glasses of shiraz.

I enjoyed my 2 pints of a local spring brew.

The thought of shrimp with a bittersweet chocolate sauce as an appetizer teased us into ordering it. It was pretty good.

She enjoyed her citrus salsa shrimp.

My fruit barbecue chicken was good too.

The conversation was seamless and flowing, exposing the many things we have in common.

Our wonderful children, our similar hobbies.

We debated as well.

She can’t understand why I do not enjoy Dylan.

We finished dinner, noted how nice the evening was and went back to our own cars, to our houses, our own lives.

In the end, she will not leave her husband. Her decision is to keep the family together. It's better that way. I know what we are doing is all it will be.

My decision to end my marriage is opposite. My life with my kids, without Mrs. Joe seems for the best.

But I sit here now, wondering a few things.

Did somebody bring her into my life to show me someone staying in an unhappy marriage?

Did somebody bring me into her life to show her what a happier life she could be having if she left?

Could it be that we were brought together to help each other?

Or are we just two married people having an affair?

The Only Mother They Got

2008-05-10T08:54:00.006-04:00

Seeing Peanut is 2 and The Champ is 6, I am still responsible for the kids’ gifts to their mother for Mother’s Day. I decided that I would stop by this little Italian pastry shop she likes and get her some cannoli for the kids to give her.

I also talked to her Tuesday and although I have the kids this weekend, I asked her if she wanted to spend Sunday with them. I know I would like them on Father’s Day so I assumed she would want them for her day.

“I can’t” she replied. “I have to work 10 hours on Sunday.”

“Fine. Would like them on Saturday?”

“I have to work all day Saturday, too”

“Well, I figured seeing Sunday is Mother’s Day you would want to spend the day with the kids.”

With a snide, matter-of-fact tone, “I know what Sunday is.”

And hung the phone up on me.

I guess I can bring the kids over early Sunday morning before she goes to work. I just have to make sure I only give her the cannoli and not tell her where she can put the cannoli.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there.

Robert Frost Must Not Have Had A Cluttered Garage

2008-05-08T21:06:00.007-04:00

“Good fences make good neighbors” – from the poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost

Although I agree with the line from that poem, seeing this parked on my next door neighbor’s front lawn a few days ago made me realize that it might have been better written.

How about “Half empty dumpsters make good neighbors”?

With me living in a town that picks up my trash weekly, the task of taking anything to the dump ranks up there with cleaning my septic tank.

Wait, I am connected to the town sewers, I don’t have to do that.

Anyway, the town doesn't take away bulk items with the weekly trash so I need to bring anything big to the dump myself or find another way to get rid of it.

You now see why the sight of the dumpster is like hitting the junk removal jackpot.

My neighbor had been renting the house for a few years from his friend who had lived there since he was a kid. Recently, he bought the house. The attic still had a bunch of stuff from the first owner. Part of the sale agreement was the original owner had to clean out the attic. So the dumpster was dropped off and the attic was cleaned.

After seeing there was still room, I asked my neighbor if I could contribute. He said they were all set and I could fill the remaining space. I was able to unload a bunch a junk from my garage into it.

The best part was that all it cost me was a 12-pack of beer.

There is no fence separating our yards that needs mending but being able to unload some junk from the garage has had similar results.

Take A Hike

2008-05-03T21:08:00.019-04:00

Thankfully, this post will not be mentioning anything about my separation with Mrs. Joe.

Well, just that once.

Anyway, I wanted to get Peanut and The Champ outdoors and do something fun. Something new. Something we could do every once in awhile. I decided we would go for a hike in the woods. Western Massachusetts has its fair share of woods so we could go to different places each time to keep it exciting to the kids.

I looked into the local parks and reservations and decided to take them to the Mt. Tom State Reservation this past Saturday. It's located in Holyoke, MA. An old New England mill town known for its paper mills back 100 years ago.

The park isn't much, just the mountain. It is mostly wooded with hiking and skiing trails, some areas to fish and a couple picnic pavilions. I had not been there in at least ten years.

We parked the car and began our hike up to Goat's Peak. It has a great view northwest. I must confess, this wasn't really a "hike". The path is really an old road that had been closed off to cars. I was concerned for Peanut because it was almost a mile and I wasn't sure if her little legs could handle it so we took a jogging stroller just in case.

The kids absolutely loved the walk. I figured they would get bored about half way at best and I'd be pushing Peanut in the stroller while The Champ would be complaining about his legs being tired. I tried my best to keep it interesting. We talked about the trees and the animals that lived in the woods. They got pretty excited about the view I told them about.

When we got to Goat's Peak, this is what they saw.

This is looking northwest with a view of the Connecticut river. Interstate 91 is on the right.

This is looking more north with Northampton, MA in the background.

About halfway back down Peanut finally got into the stroller. The Champ made the entire walk without complaint.

My little adventurers

On our way back down, I asked them if they wanted to do it again. I said we could try a smaller trail without a paved road next time. They both said yes so we will see about heading back into the woods next week.

In thanks to you for joining me and my little adventurers on our hike up to Goat's Peak, I give you each one of these.

Paper City Brewery's Goat's Peak Bock Spring Lager. Paper City Brewery is located in an old mill in Holyoke and they brew this in honor the the peak I shared with you.

Enjoy.

“Why Trust A Shark, Right?”

2008-04-29T21:24:00.009-04:00

“I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine.” – Bruce from Finding Nemo.

I know I went into the mediation appointment in my last post but I wanted to expand on a few things that happened in the meeting.

The appointments we had were with a divorce mediation group. They claim to be a civil alternative to the traditional path for divorce. There is only one lawyer involved and his job is to help the couple work out a divorce agreement that both parties and the courts will agree to. I am told it usually takes six to eight months to be final and the cost is considerably less.

At the first meeting, Mrs. Joe was only looking for “Bruce” to create a written separation agreement. She told him she was not looking for a divorce at that time. Mrs. Joe also said that she would not expect child support and would leave me our house if I agreed to pay for our children’s future school bills. Seeing the school bills are approximate to support and she already owns, and now lives in, a multi-unit home, this seemed fair to all, including “Bruce”.

But after Mrs. Joe refused to commit to trying to repair our marriage, I contacted “Bruce” to set up another appointment and to start the divorce paperwork.

The second meeting was last Tuesday. In the beginning, “Bruce” seemed concerned about being fair but as the meeting went along and Mrs. Joe and I began to bicker, he seemed more concerned about keeping us in agreement.

Maybe he seen his future payments slipping away?

On top of me paying the school bills, Mrs. Joe said she wanted $10k to help her get on her feet. I could not understand why she did not talk to me earlier about this and instead waited until our meeting to ask. I got pretty upset and told her I was not going to give her anything. “Bruce” then told us the courts would not approve the settlement we currently had because it did not involve me compensating Mrs. Joe for our house.

Thanks, “Bruce”. My wife leaves me, taking my kids for half the week and now you tell me I should pay for the new bedroom set that she’s fucking her boyfriend in.

I will pay the money. I know it is still better than getting my own lawyer, battling everything out just to lose even more.

But I’m supposed to think “Bruce” is working in both our best interests?

I’m starting to think his best interest might be his own.

It's Not Half, But It's Not The Point

2008-04-24T20:53:00.012-04:00

As I posted earlier, Tuesday was our appointment with the mediation group to start the divorce proceedings. As much as I want to try to reconcile, I can't sit around and wait for her.

I called Mrs. Joe earlier that day, hoping for her to reconsider. She again declined to start therapy, saying she wasn't able to commit. As we talked, I heard her being paged over the store intercom.

"I have to go, there is a call for me on the outside line."

"I don't care about some customer," I replied.

"I got to go." With that, she hung up the phone.

Priorities.

The meeting didn't go much better. At our last appointment, we signed a separation agreement that spelled out financial responsibilities, custody arrangements, etc. I assumed this agreement would stand but Mrs. Joe thought otherwise. Apparently, seeing she isn't asking for half of the house, she felt the need to ask for some cash.

I'll probably just roll over and give it to her. The quicker this is over the better.

But let me ask a question. How can somebody...

cheat on her husband for six months
finally admit to it only two days after Christmas
stay in the house for another two months waiting for a place to live
still maintain the affair
when she finally leaves, take the dining room set, son's bedroom set, dishes, silverware among other stuff

...and after all that, expect me to just give her money?

Obviously, if she got a lawyer she could get half of everything, which is more than she is asking for.

I might be a little bitter right now but with all that said, shouldn't you just admit you are a horrible person and move on?

A Sushi Roll Reversal

2008-04-19T16:43:00.004-04:00

Last week, I wrote about my night at The Producers with GBD (Great Blind Date). I mentioned how much fun we had and how good a night it was.

During that night, I mentioned to her that I worked for a Japanese company. I told her every now and then I have to go out to dinner with guests from Japan. She asked if I had ever had sushi. I told her no, most of the time we went to a nearby steakhouse. I soon learned she is a big sushi fan.

The next day when I got home from work, I checked my answering machine and GBD was on it. She thanked me for taking her to the show and said she had a good time. She also said after all that sushi talk she had a craving for an eel roll and asked if I wanted to go out one night for some.

Now the reason I have for not trying sushi is simple.

The thought of eating raw fish is not appealing. Give me a nice steak, medium rare with some red potatoes drenched in olive oil and I am all set.

Sushi? Not so much.

But I do like trying new things. I also remembered how much fun I had the other night so I called her back and said yes.

We went out this past Wednesday night. The restaurant we went to is also a hibachi style steakhouse so I ordered a beef and scallop dinner while GBD ordered sushi. I agreed to at least try some of her sushi if she agreed not to laugh at me if I threw it all up.

GBD ordered 3 different sushi rolls. Sweet potato, eel and another that I can’t remember. I tried all three. The sweet potato and eel was okay. They were at least warm. The third one was cold and let’s just say I don’t care for cold sushi and leave it at that. I have to admit, sushi has some of the most distinct tastes I have ever tried.

We had more time that night to get to know each other. I told her a little more about me. I was honest about where Mrs. Joe and I were and how I am not looking for any type of serious relationship at this time. I then asked her to tell me a little bit about herself. I knew she had two kids but I was a little curious about the “complicated” situation.

Come to find out, she doesn’t have a boyfriend after all.

She’s married.

She tried to explain the situation. “I do what I want, he does what he wants.”

As she is going on about her unhappy marriage, I realized that I am him, I am the guy that Mrs. Joe is running around with, the other man, the home wrecker.

Nice.

We finished dinner and joined some friends a local bar for a couple drinks. I would love to say that after her revelation I lost interest in her but I didn’t. We all joked and laughed until past midnight. The two of us have a lot in common. Other than both being married, I mean.

We have no plans on going out again but I do admit I would look forward to it if we were to. As of now, I’ve decided to wait until she calls me and see where it leads.

Is there a Japanese translation for hypocrite?

Something About Apples & Falling

2008-04-17T20:13:00.008-04:00

I was driving The Champ to school yesterday morning and as we turned out of our street he spotted two large tree pruning trucks. I noticed a few days prior that some city trees along the sidewalk were spray painted with an "X". The trees did not look in that good of shape and they must have been there to remove them.

"What are those trucks for?" asked The Champ.

"They are going to cut down some trees." I replied.

"Why are they going to cut down some trees"

"Because the are diseased"

"Diseased, What's that?"

"The trees are sick," I clarified.

"How do the know the trees are sick?" such the little inquisitive one.

"It's like when you are sick, you know you are sick because you have a runny nose. The men know if the tree is sick by looking at it."

And with a matter-of-fact tone, "But dad, trees don't have noses."

Yes, sir. That's my boy.

Help At Every Turn, Or In This Case, Twist

2008-04-14T21:21:00.006-04:00

It is no secret that my life has taken about a 180 degree turn in the last few months. I don’t mind admitting that I have relied on some help getting through all of this.

I am currently seeing a therapist weekly. She has been very helpful showing me things about myself that I can work on. She has also showed me that I was giving a lot more towards my marriage than Mrs. Joe.

I have been put on an anti-anxiety medication that seems to help. I can sleep at night now. Although I’m not too sure how much longer I can stay on a medication that costs me 50 bucks a month.

My sister has been fantastic through all of this. She has not been afraid to tell it like it is, even if she has been a friend to Mrs. Joe for over 15 years. My cousin has also been a big help. Hearing a point of view from “one of the guys” sure improves my self esteem.

I have been reading this book for the last two weeks. It’s helped me believe I am not completely at fault for all of this. It has also shown me ways to get through the worst of times.

And a tip of the hat to all of you. The comments I receive range from some who have been there to simple "atta-boys" and are a welcome feeling every day.

Along with those, I found another place for therapeutic guidance. Last night, as I sat down to watch the Red Sox defeat the Yankees, again, I opened a bottle of Magic Hat’s #9. Have you ever seen some beers put a note of some kind on the bottom of the bottle cap? Well, Magic Hat does this and this is what it said.

“It’s still home if you’re alone.”

I tried to take a picture of the cap for you but I couldn’t figure out how to take such a close up shot without the picture getting all blurred.

So does this mean all I need to do is drink more and all my troubles will go away?

If it was that easy.

Forcing My Hand

2008-04-11T07:54:00.002-04:00

The only cure for grief is action. - George Henry Lewes

I can’t take it anymore.

Wondering where she is and what she is doing has been borderline obsessive.

Thinking about her with him has been ripping me up inside.

Not knowing if she is coming back is driving me insane.

Do I wait? Do I move on? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have to act. I have to start something. Whether it is reconciliation or dissolution, something has to begin for me to stay sane.

So I told Mrs. Joe I needed to speak with her.

I went over to her apartment a few nights ago, after Peanut & The Champ were asleep. I told her my feelings. I told her how some days I wished she was home, in our bed, naked, lying next to me. And then other days I wished her dead because that is easier to grasp. The grief process could start because I knew she would never be coming back.

She talked about her feelings for me, how depressed she has been in recent years, and how we were a great couple before the kids came. I told her if we work hard, raise good kids together, get them off into the world with the right foundation, then we can go back to the life we had. Divorce will lead to a constant struggle for both of us to maintain a stable upbringing for the kids.

She said she feels that I have not supported her enough and the added weight was too much. I asked her why she did not come to me with these feelings. She said she did but I ignored her or changed the subject. I’ve always felt we had difficulties communicating but never thought it would lead to all this.

I told her that if we split, we both would eventually find someone else, someone with their own kids, their own issues, their own expectations. Would we be able to handle those? Also, we would both become the step-parents, trying to connect with our step-children, hoping they will like us, hoping they will like our own children.

I asked if she was still in contact with the other guy. She said yes. She said she still has feelings for him but she does not know where the relationship is. I found out he is not married but is living with someone. I asked if he planned on leaving this girl for her. She did not know.

I wondered how she could be interested in someone who strays from a relationship. But then I thought of myself.

I asked her where our relationship stood and if she has given any thought about getting back together. She said coming home was not an option at this time. I told her I did not want her to come home at this time either. What I wanted was a 100% commitment to begin repairing our marriage, to start counseling, to try to reconnect as a husband and wife. She said she did not know if she could commit to that at this time.

I then said something I never in my life thought I would ever say to Mrs. Joe.

“If you aren’t ready to start repairing this marriage, I think we need to start the divorce.”

She said nothing. But she understood.

So yesterday morning I made an appointment with the divorce mediation group for April 22 to start the proceedings.

Right now I can’t tell if this step is a good thing or not.

But something has to be done.

The Sun Is Peeking Through A Little

2008-04-08T06:35:00.003-04:00

Thank you to who ever you are. Maybe it was a combined effort from all of you out in the blogosphere wishing me well. Maybe it was just one special wish. Whatever it was, it has been answered.

No, Mrs. Joe isn't coming back. Not anytime soon anyway.

I scored these Monday.

Two tickets for tomorrow's Red Sox-Tigers game. A friend won them at a jack-&-jill over the weekend. They could not go and gave them to me. Although it is not Opening Day, it is the second home game of the season.

The sun sure feels nice.

Sometimes Blind Dates Are A Success

2008-04-06T17:41:00.010-04:00

Sorry for the late update. No boyfriend leaped from an alleyway or anything like that. I just have been busy.

Anyway, I was sitting at the bar early Thursday night and in the back of my head I was thinking it.

"She's not going to show."

I was there early but the thought did cross my mind. That sure would've been an esteem killer. But she did show, right on time. Thankfully, she recognized me and came over. We exchanged pleasantries and got to know each other a little over a drink.

And that started one of the most fun nights I've had in a long time.

Simply put, we laughed our asses off.

The Producers is the funniest thing Mel Brooks has ever done. And I loved History Of The World. But you couple that with one of the funniest girls I have met and you see why I had a good time.

As I said we got to know each other a little. I admitted how I came about to have the extra ticket and told her my situation with Mrs. Joe. She was fine with everything and said we should just worry about having a good time. Ends up, she works at the Barnes & Noble where I take Peanut & The Champ for story time on Friday nights.

After the show, we drove back to the club and we went in for another beer. My buddy who set us up was there. We both thanked him and said we had a really good time. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed we should get together again.

There was one thing I thought of the following day. Not once during the entire night did I stop to think of Mrs. Joe. No wishing she was there. No wondering if she would have had a good time. I think it showed me that I am starting to move on.

I know I am not ready for any kind of relationship right now but just spending time with someone who I make laugh and who makes me laugh is great. I'm looking forward to more of that.

And knowing that I can find good company in others and see that my company is enjoyed is a great feeling.

Good News/Bad News

2008-04-03T13:52:00.007-04:00

Bad news: The girl from work backed out of going to the show tonight. She claimed her ex couldn’t watch their kid.

Good news: After I told a friend of mine this, he made a phone call setting me up on a somewhat-blind date.

By somewhat, I mean we were introduced to each other once in a club but now she has no recollection of who I am. Not a good start. I don’t think you can call it a date anyway. I asked my friend if she was in a relationship.

“It’s complicated,” He replied.

Great. With everything else going on, tonight a pissed off boyfriend is going leap from some alley and kick my ass.

I probably should have just unloaded the tickets.

But I really want to see the show and I would be lying if part of me didn’t want to take someone just to have it get back to Mrs. Joe.

I will be picking her up tonight at the same club we were first introduced at. I told her to look for the tall hunky blonde with the perfect hair. And when he moves out of the way, I’ll be the little guy behind him.

Hopefully the show is good and we have a fun time.

And hopefully I don’t loose any teeth.

And Not A Punch Was Thrown

2008-03-30T20:41:00.012-04:00

Somebody had a date this weekend.

No, not me. But read on and help me decide on something related.

The Champ had a play date on Saturday. He's been asking me for a few weeks if Nate, one of his classmates could come over one day. So I called Nate's mom on Friday and asked if it was okay. She said it was fine. Considering this was my first time overseeing a play date alone, I seemed okay with it also.

Nate's mom dropped him off around 10:30. The boys played well together the whole time. I was sure I would have to settle a dispute over a toy or something but they got along good. Peanut was a typical little sister, wanting to get involved. They didn't seem to mind. Nate has a little sister as well so that might have helped.

I fed them all lunch and then the boys kept quiet, spending some time on the computer, while I put Peanut down for a nap.

Nate's mom came back around 3:00, happy to have had some free time. It was actually good for me, too. It kept The Champ occupied while I boxed some more of Mrs. Joe's remaining things.

Which leads me to a question for you.

For Christmas, I bought two tickets to a touring performance of The Producers at the Springfield Symphony Hall. Obviously, we know who one of the tickets was for. After everything, I'll be damned if Mrs. Joe is going to go. The show is this Thursday and I have two options.

I can sell the tickets without a loss to a girl I work with.
I can take another girl I work with who showed interest in going with me.

I need you to voice your opinion.

Kicking A Man While He's Down

2008-03-27T18:16:00.010-04:00

I guess it is safe to say this year has not been one of the best for me. I am doing my best to keep my head up but sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore.

I felt that way today at work when this appeared on my computer screen while trying to check for comments on my blog.

It seems they installed some internet filter that restricts most blogs.

What do they expect me to do now? Work?

The Easter Bunny Came Early

2008-03-24T21:42:00.013-04:00

I hope everybody had a good Easter. Mine was okay. Mrs. Joe had Peanut & The Champ on Sunday but I had them overnight Thursday, Friday morning and most of Saturday.

Seeing I wasn't going to have them on Easter Sunday, I arranged for the Easter Bunny to come by on Thursday night. He scattered some eggs around the house and left a basket for each of the kids. Peanut got some chocolate eggs, a few Reese's cups and a Pooh puzzle while The Champ also got some chocolate eggs, Reese's cups and four Matchbox cars.

I didn't have to work on Friday so the egg hunt wasn't rushed. I read a letter to the kids from the Easter Bunny saying how he heard they wouldn't be home on Sunday so he decided to come a few days early.

We searched the house for awhile. I did my best to keep The Champ from going after every egg. Peanut found some on her own but I had to keep telling The Champ to let her find some on her own to keep it somewhat equal. He then took to showing her where they were.

After we found all of the eggs we sat at the dining room table and opened them up. It seems the Easter Bunny now puts a quarter in a few of the eggs now. Two eggs even had $1 in them. I then got the kids dressed and took the to their mother's for the rest of the day.

So I figure I handled my first holiday as a separated parent pretty good. I did what I could to enjoy Easter with the kids even though it wasn't the actual day. Right now they are young, they don't really understand what's going on. They just see they are getting two of everything. As they get older, hopefully they will see the efforts that I put in to make the best of a bad situation.

That's the best I can hope for.

It Would Be Easier If He Seen A Monster

2008-03-20T21:24:00.018-04:00

I heard something last night that I had never heard before. See, I had just left Wal-Mart because over the last week, I had kept a list of the little things that Mrs. Joe took that I needed to replace. Nail clippers, a paring knife, can opener, hand lotion, etc. So I went to get those things and to also get Peanut & The Champ something for Easter.

I was in my car and since Mrs. Joe moved out I have called the kids every night that she has had them to say good night and to tell them I love them. Last night, I talked to Peanut first, which due to the fact that she has just started talking, isn't much of a conversation. I told her to be good for mommy and that I love her. She said bye and then handed the phone to The Champ.

He seemed to be upset about something. I asked him what was the matter. A typical "nothing" was his response.

I pressed on and he stopped me in my tracks.

"I'm a little scared," he replied. That was the first time he ever told me he was scared of something.

"Scared of what?"

"Mommy is really yelling at Peanut and it's making me a little scared."

Apparently Peanut was not cooperating at bath time. I told him it would be okay and he told me he would be alright. I told him I loved him and he told me the same. I then asked him to put his mother on the phone.

I did my best to keep the tone civil. I asked her if everything was alright. She said it was. I told her what The Champ said about being scared and she had no reply. I added I was concerned that he had never said anything like that before. No reply. A few seconds went by.

And then she hung up the phone on me.

After I calmed down, I drove home. I later checked my home e-mail to find the following letter from Mrs. Joe:

Well I ruined Christmas for u & New Year's so here let's ruin Easter!

I want a divorce.......... If you'd like to make the session w/the therapist go for it ??? in about 2 weeks ..

maybe we can be done with this game by your B-day so you can have your own fireworks instead of the relationship ones.. because I am DONE!

Regarding the last line, my birthday is the fourth of July. But I guess that sums up her latest feelings towards me. I didn't react much at all to the e-mail. I figure she was just venting at my asking if she was okay and mentioning The Champ being scared. Either way, a reconciliation doesn't look too promising.

As for Easter, I have them tonight but she has them for the weekend. As I said, I picked up some stuff for the Easter Bunny to give them. I made some baskets earlier tonight after they went to bed and hid a bunch of eggs with chocolate and some with money around the house. I have the day off from work so tomorrow morning when they wake up they will learn the Easter Bunny stopped by a few days early and we will check out our baskets and search for some eggs.

I guess it will be a Good Friday after all

If I don't post before, Happy Easter everybody.

Baby Steps

2008-03-16T20:36:00.004-04:00

Sitting here tonight in celebration. Why celebrate, you ask? I made Peanut & The Champ pancakes for breakfast this morning.

And they ate them!

So in honor of my first successful attempt at using the stove top for something that did not involve boiling water, I give you each one of these...

A nice hoppy I.P.A. from Magic Hat Brewing Company.

Emeril, you better watch out.

Trying To Get Back To Normal

2008-03-14T22:50:00.009-04:00

Per Mrs. Joe & I's arrangement, I have Peanut & The Champ this weekend. I picked them up from school yesterday and will have them until I bring them to school Wednesday morning. Everybody told us to minimize the amount of times we exchange them. This will take getting used to for all of us.

During dinner last night, we were dining on hot dogs and french fries. Hey, Mrs. Joe did all the cooking. I got to start somewhere. The Champ asked me something that felt like a punch to the throat.

"I wish this fight between you and mommy would be over. I don't like having an empty chair at the table."

I do to, buddy. I do to.

We went to Friendly's for dinner tonight. Across the street, there's a Barnes and Noble and on Fridays they have story time for the kids. Someone will read a story, tonight it was about St. Patrick's Day, and then they have an activity for the kids. So we stopped for dinner before heading over to B&N. Happily the munchkins behaved and we came home, read a few stories and they went to bed.

If it doesn't rain tomorrow, I'll take them to the park in the morning.

Every day I feel more and more secure with myself and with the way I am handling everything that is going on. I can do this. I can step up and take care of these kids all by myself. As much as I love Mrs. Joe, I can't sit by and wait for her to come to her senses. I got two kids that are depending on me to keep their life as normal as possible.

I can do this.

Weight Lifted

2008-03-12T12:42:00.002-04:00

It is safe to say the last week has been difficult.

Mrs. Joe did leave Friday night. I spoke to her that morning before I left for work and told her that I hoped she finds whatever she is looking for. I went out to dinner that night with some friends and got home pretty late.

And pretty drunk.

I spent most of Saturday regretting my consumption from the night before but started putting the house back together. My sister and cousin came over on Sunday and we got the place picked up pretty good.

I got to see the kids on Monday. I picked them up from school and took them to The Champs’ gymnastics class. After that we had dinner at McDonald’s. Mrs. Joe came over and picked them up before bedtime.

I went to Mrs. Joe’s apartment yesterday. The Champ called and asked me if I could bring a toy he wanted over. What was I to do, say no? The kids showed me their rooms and the new stuff they got. As much as I wanted to see them, I could not get out of there fast enough.

After that, I spent the evening picking up the kids’ rooms. Mrs. Joe bought Peanut a big girl bed for her place so I had to take the crib apart and fetch a twin bed out of the attic that we were saving for her. I’m off to buy new sheet sets for each of them after work today.

I miss the kids so much. It’s not a constant, though, probably because I’m busy cleaning up and resetting the rooms. I assume once all that settles down and I have a little free time those feelings will become more noticeable.

I will be picking them up from school tomorrow. I get them through the weekend and up to Wednesday. I want to plan some things to do outside of the house. Sitting around watching t.v. seems like a waste of time now.

So as difficult as it has been, it is also better. If the last week has taught me anything, it is to appreciate the time I get with them now.

My emotions toward Mrs. Joe are a little different than I had thought. With her gone, the feelings of trying to fix the mess have gone also. That is a huge relief. I have to keep telling myself that I did not do anything to deserve all of this. Unless she wants to try to repair our marriage, I’m better off with her away.

It’s more fun to focus on the kids anyway.

Love Letter

2008-03-06T20:50:00.010-05:00

Dear Peanut & The Champ,

We write this letter to you both in an attempt to explain what is about to happen. Tomorrow will be the day that your mother and I separate. We know neither of you understand what that means right now but we hope in time you will.

One thing that we will maintain is our love for the two of you. Seeing the smiles on your faces and hearing your laughs have kept the both of us going through these tough times. The two of you have shown your mother and I what we can create together and it has made this decision so very difficult.

We both agree that we need time apart to better understand ourselves and each other. The longer we stay together right now the harder it will be to reconcile. We believe this is the best chance for the future.

Let us tell you that neither of you should blame yourself for this. Your mother and I are no longer the same people as when we first met. We have grown apart and that growth has led us in different directions. We need to find out if those directions are correct and staying together will not allow that.

Beginning next week, there will be many changes in your lives. You may not like some of them but please remember that your mother and I love you very much and we are trying not to do anything that we feel would hurt you.

Hopefully in time your mother and I will find ourselves pointed in a direction that takes us back together. Hopefully we can find that special bond that held us tight for so many years. And hopefully our love for the two of you will remind us that we belong together. The four of us. As one.

We will love you both, always,

Mom & Dad