Thursday, July 30, 2009

Asses & Elbows

I turned 39 at the beginning of this month. Not really a big deal to me. I don't think next year will be much worse but I have no problem putting the big 4-0 off for another year.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my doctor. Not really a big deal either. I go once a year around this time. We usually swap some small talk, he asks the typical doctor/patient questions, I get some blood drawn and he sends me on my way until the next year.

Although this year I was under the impression my visit was going to be special. I thought I was a little young but I figured we have been together for years. It is time the doc & I moved our relationship along.

Yes, I left thinking that this year's appointment was going to include a prostate exam.

"Oh, my", I thought, "what will I wear?"

I showed up to the appointment yesterday a little nervous. I mean our relationship was going to the next level. Would he like what he seen? Would he still respect me?

As he came into the room, my, um, throat tightened. We talked for awhile, he looked me over and I thought, "this is it." I felt like I had been waiting all my life for this moment.

"Okay, everything seems to be fine. I'll have some blood drawn for tests and we'll see you next year."

And he was gone.

"Wait", I thought. "I am ready for you. I'm young but I can handle it."

But then he came back in the room, "He came back!", I gasped.

"When was your last tetanus shot?"

I couldn't remember.

"I'll get you one of those, too." and was gone again.

I felt rejected. How could he do this to me? I've been preparing all year for this.

A nurse then came in and gave me my tetanus shot. Since then, I haven't been able to move my left arm without a painful reminder of my doctor's appointment. I left the exam room, had some blood drawn and was out the door.

Knowing some doctor's bedside manners, he probably wouldn't have cuddled after anyway.


Monday, July 20, 2009

A Mental Stumble

It is 10:30. I just finished making 3 lunches for tomorrow, picking up the living room & writing out bills.

There are still dishes in the sink.

There are towels in a laundry basket that need to be folded.

I just realized The Champ's bathing suit is still sitting in the washing machine. I need to put it in the dryer for camp tomorrow.

I have given up.

I am having difficulties with life as a single dad. I am trying my hardest to take care of them, take care of the house and work 40 hours a week but at times I think its getting the better of me.

Right now is one of those times.

I have had Peanut & The Champ since Thursday night. We had a pretty busy weekend. I took them to dinner and storytime at Barnes & Noble Friday night.

Saturday afternoon we went to the mall and I bought them both some new pajamas. I bought Peanut a My Little Pony toy. The Champ bought himself a new Bakugan toy with his allowance. I treated myself to some new underwear.

Saturday night we went to the local minor league baseball game. The NECBL is for college kids while school is out. Local families let the kids stay with them for the summer. It's fun for the kids with a lot of family stuff. The Champ enjoyed the game while Peanut followed the mascot around looking for hugs.

Sunday we drove out to a nearby lake and spent the afternoon in the water. With Peanut on my back as I swam around its no wonder why the sunblock wore off and now I have a nice burn on my shoulders.

Maybe it was too much this weekend. Probably right.

Then why do I feel it wasn't enough?

Nevermind all the shit around the house I ignored this again weekend. The lawn needs mowing. The hatchway needs to be stripped and repainted. The basement needs a good cleaning. Don't ask about dusting.

It's just some times I feel as though I am failing. And I only have had them 4 days. They will go back to their mother in 3. How anybody does this all the time is beyond me. Any mother or father who has full custody of their kids and has to deal with these challenges all the time is an amazing person.

Please, share your secrets.

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Summer Fun

I have not written much lately. The summer has been busy and there does not seem to be any time to post. I have also been moving along with my divorce from Mrs. Joe.

It's been two steps forward, one back, but forward nonetheless.

I had to refinance the house, hoping a reassesment of the value would allow me to pull out enough equity to buy her out. Luckily it was. I paid off the last remaining bill we had together, a home equity loan we took out to redo the kitchen.

She mentioned her frustrations since moving out, hinting at giving up everything and asking to come back. That led to more of me climbing into my own head wondering "what if" only to be let down again.

Peanut & The Champ are good. They are at the beach with their grandparents. I brought them out there last Friday. I spent the day with them before driving back home.

Here are what keeps me going through all of this.

They won't be home until Thursday. I have never went this long without them. I tell myself that they are fine and having a great time.

Just wish I could say the same about myself.

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