Monday, April 27, 2009

Why

I sit here at 10:30 with my head a fucking mess.

I should be glad for tomorrow. I should look forward to it.

Parts of me do.

Parts of me don't.

All of me wishes you would explain what you were doing with him that night.

Parts of me want to know so I can hate you.

Parts of me want to know because I love you.

All of me wishes you would get your head straight and realize who you are giving up.

Parts of me want you to so you will come back to me.

Parts of me want you to so you will regret your decision for the rest of your life.

Parts of me wishes you would

I started writing this as an e-mail to Mrs. Joe about 10 minutes ago. I stopped there. Earlier, she came over after I put the kids to bed to sign out income tax refund check.

I didn't want her to leave but I knew it was wrong.

I started talking about our divorce meeting tomorrow and what we were going to do with the kids for the summer.

I offered her a beer. Why? She refused. I opened one and gave it to her anyway. She took it.

She sat and we talked about the kids while I made their lunches for school tomorrow. She looked great.

After 15 minutes she left saying she was tired. Why did I want her to stay?

Why is it so hard to get over her?

But why didn't I send the letter?


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8 Comments:

Blogger DiaperPin Up Girl said...

She hurt you, but that doesn't mean you don't love her.

Just because you love her doesn't mean that you trust that she won't hurt you again.


Good luck today.

Tue Apr 28, 09:21:00 AM 2009  
OpenID iamagrownup said...

You are confused because this is just damn hard. You love her. She hurt you. You want her to realize it. You want her to want you. All your feelings are normal. IT's just a hard spot to be in. I don't know what to say except what my therapist tells me...let yourself feel ALL those feelings. You need to let yourself mourn and be angry and be confused..it's part of the path to recovery. It has to get better. It will.

Good luck today. Hope it's not too hard to do.

Tue Apr 28, 11:59:00 AM 2009  
Blogger Debbie said...

Isn't it just human nature to feel like you do? I think I would be the same way.
I hope today goes better for you than you think.

Tue Apr 28, 03:09:00 PM 2009  
Anonymous poetrystruth said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. (((hugs))

Tue Apr 28, 07:09:00 PM 2009  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Of course you're feeling conflicted about this. You didn't initiate any of this crap — you're just the guy who's spent the past 18 months dealing with the fallout. It's a terrible position to be in, and your confusion is the most natural and understandable thing in the world.

That being said: you're doing what you need to do. I have no doubt it's an incredibly difficult thing to face, but based on everything you've written here since December of '07... moving forward is the right move.

(And for what it's worth: I think you made the right decision by not sending the e-mail.)

Wed Apr 29, 07:51:00 AM 2009  
Blogger Ben and Bennie said...

Sorry I haven't been around for awhile, Joe. I guess I've had my own shit to deal with. I remember the same feelings when I saw my ex 7 years after our divorce. It sucked seeing how great she looked but there was obviously some regret there on her part. Unfortunately there will always be a part of her in your heart but eventually time will do its thing. Take care, friend.

Wed Apr 29, 03:51:00 PM 2009  
Blogger Woman in a Window said...

You know her. She is familiar. You love her. She hurt you. Your feelings don't just vanish because she hurt you. They get bungled. That's why started the letter. You're bungled. Sorry, Joe. I so hope for resolution for you.

Wed Apr 29, 09:12:00 PM 2009  
Blogger Mike said...

I know I'm late to the party. I hope you didn't send the note after all. She has obviously moved on (tired, not wanting the beer) and you need to move on as well.

This is hard (been there) and it will take time to get over this.

Good luck...

Thu Apr 30, 01:54:00 PM 2009  

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