Thursday, July 24, 2008

Actions & Words

Last month I posted about my fear of what might happen if Mrs. Joe wanted to come back. I mean honestly, am I ready to begin addressing things like trust, honesty and forgiveness.

I know right now I'm not. I still bounce from anger to sadness to love for her all in the same day. Whenever I see her I still note how beautiful she is, even as I want to wrap my hands around her neck (figuratively speaking).

As a part of divorce in Massachusetts, the parents, by law, have to attend a class that discusses how to handle the situation around the children. It is pretty much a waste of time, and $60 bucks, if you have any common sense. Yes, I am fully aware I shouldn't refer to my ex as a bitch in front of the children. I don't need some family counselor telling me that.

Anyway, the divorce mediator Mrs. Joe & I are seeing told us to attend this class before our next appointment with him. I took the class in May while Mrs. Joe took the class while I was on vacation.

With that done, I emailed her asking if she wanted me to make another appointment with the mediator.

She replied, "All I can say is do what you need to."

Why does she continue to leave the door slightly ajar?

Lines like that mess with my head. Does she want me to call? Does she not want me to call? Does she give a shit either way?

I decided to try talking with her to see what, if anything, was going on. We talked on the phone for about a half an hour. She did not admit to anything regarding a change in feelings and she still didnt close the door, either.


So I have decided to try to stop reading into what she says and to focus on what she does. Maybe she is as confused as I am. I don't know.

What I found out though is after that phone call that I had with her she proceeded to spend the weekend in his bed.

Did she have to yell?

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Blogger Pgoodness said...

Geez, Joe, I can't stand it FOR you! Honestly, I think you're right - she's torn, confused, etc. But too damn bad; she can't have it both ways. Damned if she isn't trying though.

Thu Jul 24, 10:05:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous stepping over the junk said...

So, I'll tell you what that is. She is keeping the responsibility off of herself. She wants you to make the decisions, even though she ultimately has already made them. So remember that.

Unless she is in your bed too, she isn't confused.

Ah, I took that same class a few years ago. It ended up being a bunch of broken people telling their stories about their kids and soon to be exes, etc. I just sat there and watched the clock. I learned nothing other than I was not alone in the whole divorce thing and I was $60 poorer.

Thu Jul 24, 10:52:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous mel from freak parade said...

I am coming out of lurking to second what stepping over the junk said.
She is totally trying to keep the responsibility off herself.
Obviously a very cowardly and emotionally immature way of dealing with things. I've been following this all along, and think you have handled yourself very well considering the circumstances.
It appears that the door really is closed but she doesn't have the backbone to make that clear. The situation sucks, and I'm sorry.

Fri Jul 25, 01:40:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Ms. Judy said...

Yeah, I've seen the old "wasn't me" ploy and it is the cowards way out. I think "stepping over the junk" made a good point about how she's not confused. It's got to be a tough spot to be in. When both parties are wanting to patch it up, I know it must take a lot of courage. Just as letting go does. Just keep having fun with your kids. They'll remember the fun.

Fri Jul 25, 03:44:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Mama Nabi said...

I've always felt that she's known what she wants and has made that decision quite some time ago.

I did chuckle about your comments on that parenting class... my ex took one earlier this week and it has helped OUR situation tremendously. Apparently he's one of those people who NEEDED someone to tell him that you don't call your ex wife a bitch in front of the kid. And in our state, it's only $50. ha ha.

I agree with SOTJ above - she isn't confused - but she doesn't want to see herself as the bad guy...

Fri Jul 25, 08:12:00 AM 2008  
Blogger HW said...

Having been raised by someone who is a master at manipulation, I truly believe she is manipulating you - or trying to. I've seen this trick many times, though not in this context.
I agree with the others; she wants YOU to make the decision so that, if you do not reconcile, she can play the victim.

"Well...I wanted to get back together but HE chose to end it."

She will probably find a way to blame you if you don't reconcile, but most people will already know the truth; so try to see this for what it is - manipulation.

I think she is leaving the door ajar so she can slam it on your nose when you try to step through it.

Fri Jul 25, 08:47:00 AM 2008  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Not to tell you anything you don't already know, but she already made her decision -- a few months ago, in fact, and it doesn't seem like she's taking any action that would suggest she'd prefer to do otherwise.

I'm on board with everyone else here in saying that she's taking the coward's way out on this... as if, somehow, by leaving it your hands to take the next step she's absolving herself of responsibility for this entire ordeal. Which, obviously, is bullshit.

She may still look beautiful, but you've had a long, hard look at her ugly side for quite some time now. That's what you've got to remember, and that's what has to be in your mind as you move forward with the proceedings... and move on with your life.

Fri Jul 25, 09:32:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Darren said...

Good advice all around. Don't let her mess with your head like that. If she wanted to get back together badly enough or were even considering it, she'd show some effort and she isn't. Half-assed communication like hers can only return things to the way they were before. You don't want that.

Fri Jul 25, 10:16:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Tricia said...

Women don't sleep with someone other than their husbands when they don't know what they want. She sounds like a woman who knows exactly what she wants, hell be damned, she's just too weak to yank off her band aid.

Fri Jul 25, 11:08:00 AM 2008  
Anonymous Bea said...

Yep, SOTJ said it all. Beware of Mrs. Joe's intentions. Try to take back the power you gave her as your wife. She is still wielding it, and quite selfishly, I must say.

Try, one day at a time, to reclaim your heart. You deserve better.

Fri Jul 25, 04:19:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Hanke said...

Sounds like a woman who likes to have her cake and eat it too! She's got you exactly where she wants you: Confused! Quit allowing her to play these games! Call the mediator!

Fri Jul 25, 04:26:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Susiewearsthepants said...

I think everyone here said everything that needs to be said. Just letting you know I am still reading, and hoping for the best possible outcome whatever that may be.

Fri Jul 25, 09:03:00 PM 2008  
Blogger womaninawindow said...

Am so feeling what pgoodness says. It seems to me she's not listening to herself. Maybe she's a little surprised by how dastardly she's being.

You always have the absolute best pictures to depict what your post is about. Appreciating that.

Sat Jul 26, 08:12:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

I can't add anything else to what good advice has already been offered. Stick to your plan. Make the appointment with the mediator.

Mon Jul 28, 03:23:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Dude. Don't let her mess with you. You deserve better than that.

She's not playing very nicely. My momma bear instincts are coming out and it makes me want to chew her butt out for you.


Meet with the mediator. You be the adult. I'll get the voodoo doll and stick pins it for ya.


Mon Jul 28, 06:21:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous Lauren said...

Try not to let her get to you, it's just giving her satisfaction.

Wed Jul 30, 07:34:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Tom said...

stepping over the junk stole my answer. she doesn't want to be the bad guy. simple.

no need to fight, though. just be sure you have someone on your side who can help you navigate the waters and avoid complications later.

Tue Aug 19, 07:44:00 PM 2008  

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