Thursday, June 12, 2008

Fear Of The Unknown

We advance on our journey only when we face our goal, when we are confident and believe we are going to win out. - Orison Swett Marden

A few months ago, as my attempts to repair my marriage failed, I was scared of the journey that lay before me. I wondered if I would be able to take care of my children as a single father. I wondered if I could keep up with all the duties at home while working full time. I wondered if I would be able to handle knowing that my wife of ten years was intimately involved with another man.

Through this I have learned a lot about myself. I now know I can take care of my kids by myself, maybe even better now than before. I know it is not the end of the world if Peanut & The Champ eat cereal for dinner once in awhile. I know that even though the rugs may not get vacuumed as much as they should, my house is a sound shelter. And I also know that I am able to handle those thoughts of Mrs. Joe with him.

As I advance on this journey with the added strength of knowing that I can reach my goal, a new fear has emerged. I now worry what may happen if I come to a fork along the path of this journey. A specific fork that could turn everything upside down.

One way is the current path. The path I've been on for a while. A path now very straight and clear but long. It focuses on getting on with my life without Mrs. Joe, being single again, only seeing my kids part time but making the best of the time I have.

The other path is dark, with many twists and turns and unknown in length. The goal is undefined and difficult to understand. This path is what scares me most of all.

What if Mrs. Joe wants to come back?

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Blogger Em said...

You've learned a lot about yourself. You've found strength and courage you didn't know you had. For now, stay focused on the road you see ahead. And if the road turns, I'm sure your new strength will get you through.

Thu Jun 12, 09:59:00 PM 2008  
Blogger womaninawindow said...

Ya, what em said, focus. This is what I have to remind my daughter over and over again when doing math problems, rudly tapping my finger at the next problem and then the next and the next. Is it wrong of me to appreciate your journey. I've been there...long ago and without the kids. I'm enjoying your emerging strenghts, too. You're stronger than you realize.

Fri Jun 13, 08:16:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Darren said...

If it comes to that, you'll make the right decision and come out better too. And I hope she'd agree to counseling so you two don't go down the same road again.

In the meantime, don't let fear about it overwhelm you. It's possible to be prepared for anything without letting worry get in the way of living.

Fri Jun 13, 08:17:00 AM 2008  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Not to tell you anything you don't already know, but... it's not about what she wants, dude. You're way past that point. You're also not the same guy you were six months ago.

(long sigh)

Man, this just isn't getting any easier for you.

Fri Jun 13, 08:56:00 AM 2008  
Blogger HW said...

There is no easy answer; but you are certainly in my thoughts.

Fri Jun 13, 07:16:00 PM 2008  
OpenID steppingoverthejunk said...

you are a good strong man. We tend to end up in a place better than we expect. Keep that in mind.

Sat Jun 14, 04:54:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Where ever your road leads you, trust yourself. You haven't done bad thus far.

Sat Jun 14, 06:09:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Susiewearsthepants said...

I remember feeling the same way for a while. For me, my fear was that if he wanted to come back that I wouldn't have the strength to say no. Though I knew by this time that he was not the person I had thought he was. Would I have the strength to refuse this person the right to come back? Thankfully (for me anyway) it never became an issue. If it does become one for you, you can only make the decision that is right for you and your family. Take one day at a time and deal with each days problems as they arise. You have enough to deal with without borrowing trouble from tomorrow. Thanks for your candor!

Sun Jun 15, 03:07:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Whit said...

Cliché as it may sound, you've just got to follow your heart. It's got you this far.

Mon Jun 16, 08:53:00 PM 2008  

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