Friday, April 11, 2008

Forcing My Hand

The only cure for grief is action. - George Henry Lewes

I can’t take it anymore.

Wondering where she is and what she is doing has been borderline obsessive.

Thinking about her with him has been ripping me up inside.

Not knowing if she is coming back is driving me insane.

Do I wait? Do I move on? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have to act. I have to start something. Whether it is reconciliation or dissolution, something has to begin for me to stay sane.

So I told Mrs. Joe I needed to speak with her.

I went over to her apartment a few nights ago, after Peanut & The Champ were asleep. I told her my feelings. I told her how some days I wished she was home, in our bed, naked, lying next to me. And then other days I wished her dead because that is easier to grasp. The grief process could start because I knew she would never be coming back.

She talked about her feelings for me, how depressed she has been in recent years, and how we were a great couple before the kids came. I told her if we work hard, raise good kids together, get them off into the world with the right foundation, then we can go back to the life we had. Divorce will lead to a constant struggle for both of us to maintain a stable upbringing for the kids.

She said she feels that I have not supported her enough and the added weight was too much. I asked her why she did not come to me with these feelings. She said she did but I ignored her or changed the subject. I’ve always felt we had difficulties communicating but never thought it would lead to all this.

I told her that if we split, we both would eventually find someone else, someone with their own kids, their own issues, their own expectations. Would we be able to handle those? Also, we would both become the step-parents, trying to connect with our step-children, hoping they will like us, hoping they will like our own children.

I asked if she was still in contact with the other guy. She said yes. She said she still has feelings for him but she does not know where the relationship is. I found out he is not married but is living with someone. I asked if he planned on leaving this girl for her. She did not know.

I wondered how she could be interested in someone who strays from a relationship. But then I thought of myself.

I asked her where our relationship stood and if she has given any thought about getting back together. She said coming home was not an option at this time. I told her I did not want her to come home at this time either. What I wanted was a 100% commitment to begin repairing our marriage, to start counseling, to try to reconnect as a husband and wife. She said she did not know if she could commit to that at this time.

I then said something I never in my life thought I would ever say to Mrs. Joe.

“If you aren’t ready to start repairing this marriage, I think we need to start the divorce.”

She said nothing. But she understood.

So yesterday morning I made an appointment with the divorce mediation group for April 22 to start the proceedings.

Right now I can’t tell if this step is a good thing or not.

But something has to be done.

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11 Comments:

Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Damn. Tough times, tough conversation... but ultimately, you're doing the right thing by taking control and making - for yourself - the decision of what to do next. As you said, you've done the "wait and see" thing... and it's not a solution.

You deserve better.

Fri Apr 11, 09:53:00 AM 2008  
Blogger angie said...

i agree with twobusy. taking control and responsibility and being accountable for your life is a god thing.

we're here cheering for you!

Fri Apr 11, 10:05:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Mama Nabi said...

That sounds tough... not knowing whether you're making the right decision, the right move... makes my situation seem a bit easier for being so clear cut. I'm so sorry... it almost sounds like it could work out - but at what cost? And how long will you both have to wait to see?

Tough decisions... wow.

Fri Apr 11, 03:39:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous uumomma said...

i saw this neat quote today. i hope it bless's you.
(hugs)


Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent. Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever. The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not.
Henry David Thoreau

Fri Apr 11, 10:25:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

I've been thinking about this on and off all day, trying to come up with something meaningful to say. Sorry. I'm at a loss.

I think I would be the same way - I can't stand things being up in the air like that either. And it's not fair to any of you. I hope this action can give you some peace of mind. I suppose it's going to get harder before easier...will be thinking of you.

Sat Apr 12, 11:11:00 PM 2008  
Blogger smizzo said...

Dude. Seriously. After reading this last post, it's more apparent than, like, EVER!, that you need to let go; move on.

You are young, you seem like a fantastic father - don't dwell on the past, please! The perfect woman for you AND your children is out there.

Take this advice from someone that is way old. ;)

Sun Apr 13, 12:42:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Russell said...

I just stumbled across your blog. I was at Dad Stuff and clicked on your response.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I just got divorced from my wife of 23 years. It was final this past month.

I was a divorce lawyer for many years before I went into teaching (much better life, by the way). In any event, I can relate to what you are going through to a large extent.

I need to get going to work but will try and stop back at your blog. I will suggest a couple of fast things that will help and which you have heard before.

One is to be as active as you can. Physical activity of any kind is excellent. Running, walking, working out, anything that makes you work up a sweat and gets you physically active is extremely important. It helps a lot with the depression and the desire to lay around.

Second, talk to people in a support group, through a blog like this, where ever you can find some decent people who will listen to you and who will talk to you.

These are very trite but extremely important.

Glad to see you got tickets to the Sox / Tigers game. I actually saw that game on TV.

Mon Apr 14, 07:53:00 AM 2008  
Blogger samokdaddy said...

Sounds like a hard conversation, but a needed one. Joe, you can't live in limbo forever. Living with unmet expectations that just hang out in front of you with no resolution is no way to go through life.

It sounds as if you know what you need and are moving toward that direction. You know what...you are doing what you need to do...and you're doing a pretty damn good job of doing it. Ask the big man upstairs for the strength to get through the day...It'll be okay.

Mon Apr 14, 02:49:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Whit said...

I think you did the right thing. Why is the right thing always the hardest?

Mon Apr 14, 05:17:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

I admire your strength.

I'd still want to wring her neck if I were you.

Wed Apr 16, 12:23:00 PM 2008  
Blogger womaninawindow said...

Ah, doing something is better than nothing. It seems you're doing what you need to, you're taking steps. Man. And what Russell wrote, get busy. stay busy. Shit falls from the sky when you're least expecting it, when you're not looking, when you're busy. Good shit. Good luck!

Thu Apr 17, 10:03:00 PM 2008  

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