Thursday, January 24, 2008

I Will Now Explain The Elephant

If you have read my recent posts regarding my impending separation from Mrs. Joe, you thought it.

And so did you.

And you, too.

But try as I might, I have learned you cannot ignore that elephant in the room forever.

Since that first night, we have talked a lot and she has tried to explain her feelings. Among other things, she feels she cannot give me the things that I need in our marriage and there are things about me that she cannot deal with anymore.

I had similar feelings about our relationship to some extent. To me, these problems happen in everybody’s marriage, some more than others but to some extent it happens to us all. I did my best, sometimes without success, to let it go. “Don’t rock the boat”, I told myself. “Things will work out”. Either way, I think they are absolutely no reason for a separation, at least not before counseling.

This brings me to the elephant.

I still am not sure about posting this but it seems that Dumbo just won’t go away.

Yes, Mrs. Joe has also admitted to having an affair.

With everything else she told me that night, she also admitted that for the last six months she has been seeing someone else. Included with this, she admitted to adultery on two occasions. I don’t know who it is other than he is a co-worker who is also married with kids.

The main reason as to why she is leaving is she doesn't know who she wants to be with. She says she needs to figure out what/who she wants.

And I still sit here, thinking at times that I want to work this out.

I am an idiot.

A. Big. Fat. Fucking. Naive. Idiot.

But I am also an idiot with two great kids that I love and I am not yet willing to see my kids only half the time for the next ten years.

As of now, I have only told my sister and a therapist about the affair. Since I told my sister, she has taken to repeatedly striking me in the head (figuratively speaking) as to try to knock some sense in me. If anything, this ordeal has brought her & I closer.

The therapist told me not to move out of the house. She said I should be there for the kids but to be “unavailable” to Mrs. Joe. She said that my wife should already know what she has with me and if somehow I can separate myself from her for the next month without affecting the kids I should. She also told me not to talk to her about all of this anymore and to let her come to her own decisions and hopefully she will smarten up and reconsider leaving. Then if she decides to stay, we will address the whole affair thing

Well, current plans are for Mrs. Joe to move out February 24. Looks like I got a whole month of this ahead of me. Wish me luck.

Oh, can someone tell me how to get this elephant out of here?

Labels: ,


Blogger Mr Big Dubya said...

Me saying sorry just doesn't seem to cut it somehow, though I don't know what else I can say. Just continue to be the best father you possibly can - that is the most important thing.

Thu Jan 24, 03:43:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

I'm really just so sorry, friend.

Thu Jan 24, 03:55:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Darren said...

I'm sure there's nothing we can say to make anything better. I'm so sorry. You're not an idiot though--you're a guy who loves his family. Give those kids some extra hugs.

Thu Jan 24, 05:40:00 PM 2008  
Blogger charlotta-love said...

I like Darren's comment.

So I read this post earlier today and I've thought about it A.L.L. afternoon. I don't think there is anything I can say to help. What I do want to say though is this:

This is a situation where the actions of some affected others besides themselves. In life - the way I look at it - we have a series of choices. Some we make...some others make. Sometimes we are in a pro-active state and other times only re-active. Either way, a choice is made. (In this case, the affair). So now what? Do what Dubya and Darren the best father you know how to be; be happy for the little things; realize what family you still have.

Gosh... I'm sorry. And, I hope this post comes across more like a friend rambling b/c they don't know what to say versus a therapist full of suggestions.

Thu Jan 24, 08:32:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

wow, I am sorry. it must be incredibly difficult to remain in the same house, with children, trying to maintain some sort of calm, any sort of calm...where inside you probably don't. In respect to your still wanting to work it out, you have alot invested in the relationship/marriage, which is where that comes from. No matter the unfaithfulness, no matter any hurt or anger you may feel at any point, now or later, there is still the mourning of what you wanted and expected out of a partner and that is what keeps you wanting it to work. That's all. But in terms of respect to yourself, she doesn't know what she wants and you don;t deserve to sit there while she tests out alternatives to figure it out. Be well.

Thu Jan 24, 09:06:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

sorry, that was long.

Thu Jan 24, 09:06:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

Joe, I am so very sorry about your situation. I have been where you are (sort of - we didn't have kids) and it hurts worse than a fastball taken in the nads without a cup on.

Your counselor is very wise. Follow her advice. Don't even reconsider what she has told you.

Here is my e-mail: Use it my friend. I won't advise you - only let you unload and listen. You can vent and I'll say "hell yeah." Whatever.

Your first priority are definitely the kids but followed very closely by your need to find peace. I'm not the best of Christians but I do think God hears our prayers regardless of how selfish they come out. You and your family just went to the top of the list.

You are a friend indeed. I'm here for you.

Thu Jan 24, 09:23:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Whit said...

I can only echo the others. The children are the important thing. Hopefully everything else will work itself out.

Thu Jan 24, 11:15:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous uumomma said...

ditto what everyone said but i will add:
the only way to get rid of the elephant is to keep talking about the elephant..

Thu Jan 24, 11:32:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Oh Joe.


Fri Jan 25, 12:52:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Holy. Fuck.

I just feel sick for you.

Fri Jan 25, 02:47:00 PM 2008  
Blogger delightful-d said...

Stay strong for your kids. They need you now more than ever! Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

Sat Jan 26, 12:36:00 AM 2008  
Anonymous Dan said...

What everyone else said really. I'm sorry and hang in there. Your therapist sounds very wise.

Mon Jan 28, 04:45:00 AM 2008  
OpenID MamaG said...

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know your pain - and the good news is I lived through it, and you will too.

My husband had an affair - and because of our son, I fought hard to work through it. It wasn't easy - and I'm not sure that the scars will ever completely heal - but we were able to stay together and believe it or not, our relationship is stronger than ever before.

I wish the same for you -

Tue Jan 29, 02:21:00 PM 2008  
Blogger Tom said...

Joe, I know this. This is me in 2000, when my wife told me "I can't do the whole married, mommy thing anymore." Then she admitted she was seeing someone.


I'm going to have to keep reading to catch up... but if you ever find yourself needing input from a guy who's been exactly there, let me know.

Tue Aug 19, 07:35:00 PM 2008  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home