Saturday, December 30, 2006

AAJ Injury Report

The weather in New England has been pretty mild so far this winter. Mild enough yesterday that The Champ and I went outside and played some football. I have learned playing football with your 5 year old can be fun, even more fun once you realize he's going to make up the rules as you go along.

After spending more time on the ground than I would've liked, I noticed he had some blood coming from his nose. Apparently, running into my kneecaps headfirst more than once will do that. I figured he would get a little scared and we would go inside. But his response was surprising.

"C'mon, let's go inside. Your nose is bleeding."

"No, that's okay. I still want to play football."

And using the sleeve of his jacket, he wiped all the blood across his cheek.

And knowing Mrs. Joe like I do, he might not have been the only one with a bloody nose if we did not immediately go in and treat the blood stain.
Hope all of you have a happy and blood free new year!


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A True Christmas Miracle

There are two Catholic churches in our neighborhood. We are parishioners at one and The Champ started pre-K this fall at the other. He started school at the other because our church had merged it's school with another in a different neighborhood and we wanted to keep him a closer distance to home. Anyway, the school asked if The Champ wanted to be Joseph for their Christmas Eve mass. Seeing this would mean we would have to attend mass at their church and not ours was a big decision. But his point was simple.

"I was a shepherd last year. I want to be Joseph.

Nuff said.

Well, our church has a big affair on Christmas Eve with Mary, Joseph, shepherds, wise men, angels, I think half the school gets up there. But Sunday night, my son sat in front of the altar for an entire mass with only one other girl playing Mary. In front of 300 people. And he didn't move. He was perfect. He sat up straight and was smiling, didn't yawn or pick his nose. He didn't ask to go to the bathroom or drop the kneeler to make a noise so loud that the priest stops talking. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. Mrs. Joe and I were both amazed and proud. He had never sat this still, this long, during mass for us. Ever. And we bribe him.

Apparently when the spotlight is on him, he shines.


Friday, December 22, 2006

Add 3 Eggs And Beat Husband Well

I stopped by Starbucks this morning on my way to work and got Mrs. Joe a gift card. She loves their caramel macchiatos. The gift card was only for $10 bucks so she probably only can get one. Aren't the like $6 bucks? Anyway, this finishes my Christmas shopping. I didn't do too bad this year. Everything I bought on-line came in and I found everything I was looking for in the mall. And no, I did not buy Mrs. Joe the bathrobe she asked for. But I did take a chance on buying something else.

A spatula.

Not just any old spatula, mind you.

The OXO Good Grips Silicone Flexible Turner
  • silicone outer layer, which is heat resistant to 600 degrees

  • soft, comfortable, non-slip grips and are the perfect companions to non-stick cookware and bakeware

  • bonded to a flexible stainless steel core for added stability

  • Dishwasher-safe

Where is that Tim "The Toolman" Taylor grunt sound clip when you need it?

I do the dishes in the house so I see the nylon spatula Mrs. Joe currently uses. There always seems to be some of the nylon flaking off after she's done with it. Last time I checked, plastic wasn't nutritious in any way and I'll assume the flakes can't be good for us. So I decided that getting her a new, silicone spatula will be better for all.

That's the difference between men & women. Even with all the reasons I noted, it still comes down to the fact that I bought my wife a spatula for Christmas. It's a safe bet that this probably will not go over too well when she unwraps it. Hopefully she understands my reasons.

And that's also why the gift tag says "From Santa".
Merry Christmas, everybody.


Monday, December 18, 2006

Don't Go There

This past Saturday was my company's Christmas party. I was looking forward to going. Partly due to the whole "spend time outside of work with your co-workers" crap. But I also knew I would be out with my wife again, seeing people we haven't seen in awhile. Like last weekend's Christmas party, Mrs. Joe was looking great and was complemented for her recent weight loss. She was feeling pretty good about herself again. Which, as I previously posted, makes me a happy man.

Unfortunately, all it took was this dumbass I work with to derail that train. Dick, not his real name, but for this story it fits, is one of those guys who has no problem telling you what's on his mind. No matter how dumb, rude & insensitive it may be. Mrs. Joe & I know him to be a idiot and we usually are able to blow him off. But he made a comment that even I couldn't believe.

Dick: Wow! You look great.

Mrs. Joe: Thank you.

Dick: Too bad you lost all your boobs.

That was it. All the complements from the last two weeks weren't going to defend against that bomb. Mrs. Joe handled it quite well. I believe she told him to "fuck off" or something to that effect. He apologized for the remark, claiming not to realize he insulted her. Mrs. Joe is not easily offended but I knew she was not too happy about the comment. If I have learned anything about how my wife feels about her body after two kids is this:

You don't mention the boobs.

She's come to accept the belly, the stretchmarks, the increased shoe size, even the hemorrhoids. But God Almighty, stay away from the boobs. Absolutely nothing good can come from a conversation with my wife that includes talk about her boobs. All the Victoria's Secret IPEX bras in the world will not make her feel good about the girls right now.

We left the party early. Seeing we were all dressed up, I took her to a real nice place for one last drink before getting the kids at the MIL's house. We bitched about Dick's comments and laughed at my president's dancing and still ended up having a fine ending to a good evening.


Thursday, December 14, 2006

But Does It Come In A Pill?

Mrs. Joe and I attended a Christmas party this past weekend. It was a nice night out for the two of us. Any night out with the MIL coming to our house to watch the kids is nice but this was different. This night exposed one of my wife’s aphrodisiacs.

The complement.

Not just any compliment, though. I often give her compliments without this reaction occurring. It seems that a few compliments to Mrs. Joe from people other than myself regarding her recent weight loss turns her into some kind of horny little minx. I’m pretty sure the 4-5 glasses of wine helped. Although I’ve tried that before and I didn’t get this response.

Anyway, we got home from the party and had one fine ending to a good evening. For me, those endings don’t happen as much as I would like. But who’s complaining? We’ve got another Christmas party this weekend and I am hoping the compliments fly.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

The Trick To Tying Your Shoes

A few nights ago, Mrs. Joe and I took Peanut and The Champ out for dinner to Friendly's. It's your typical burger and fries place. We usually go there because it is kid friendly and not too expensive. This way I don't feel bad if Peanut throws her mac-n-cheese onto the floor or The Champ puts a french fry in his nose. You're chances of seeing worse are good. We can also bribe them with sundaes to get them to eat their meals.

So at the end of dinner, we were getting up to leave and there was a mother with her son and daughter sitting next to us. The Champ bent over to tie his shoe and the mother remarked to her son,

"See, he can tie his shoes."

With a reply from her son,

"It's too hard"

So The Champ, always one to help out, sits down on the floor in the middle of the restaurant, unties his shoe and reties his shoe explaining the process step-by-step as he goes. But the quote that stopped us all was

"The trick is to make a small loop so this end gets caught up in the knot."

Now I was the one who taught him how to tie his shoes and in doing so I never referred to any part of it as a "trick". Again, my 5 year-old knows more than he leads on to. I wonder if he knows the trick to get his sister to sleep through the night. That would be worth a few more Monster Mash sundaes. Whether he eats his dinner or not.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Busy, Busy, Busy

Mrs. Joe took this week off from work for no other reason other than she has about "I don't know how many weeks of vacation" accrued from her job. I thought she would get try to get a bunch of stuff done around the house. Hold on, ladies. We have a rule in our house. Joe mows the lawn, takes out the garbage and does most stereotypical male tasks while Mrs. Joe cleans the bathrooms, makes dinner & takes care of the stereotypical female tasks. So far, it has been accomplished without any problems. If any of you have a problem with this, sorry.

Monday I looked at the calendar on the fridge and I seen an itinerary that would put the President to shame. There is more shit on this calendar this week than ever before. And all of it takes Mrs. Joe outside the house.

Monday: Bank, grocery store, pay bills, run errands.

Tuesday: Shopping/lunch at the mall with girlfriend X then help with PTO Christmas whatever.

Today: Trip to outlet stores with girlfriend Y. (I asked about this one. Her reply was "The outlet mall doesn't have the same stores as the (local) mall". )

"Ugh, o.k." (like I know if this is true.)

Tomorrow: Finish helping with PTO Christmas whatever. (This is what I get for sending my kids to a catholic school.)

Friday: I forget, but I know she won't be home.

Oh, well. She will be away from the house more this week than when she's working. I'm sure it's all for the greater good. (Like I'll tell her different anyway. ) But I'll be looking foreword to next week when she's back to work and some shit can get done around this house.


Sunday, December 03, 2006

Accomplishments, Above Average Joe Style

After dinner, while I was doing dishes, I asked my son to turn on the television. I was watching the Patriots win ugly over the Lions prior to dinner and I wanted to see what the Giants-Cowboys score was. The Champ, who at 5 years old has already mastered the remote to a level that makes me think he should take over programming the VCR, obliged. Today's achievement was one of delight for all dads out there. Once he turned on the t.v., I simply asked him who was playing. Now The Champ hasn't mastered reading yet, Pat & Vanna can only do so much in a half hour a day, so he improvised by recognizing the helmet logos.

"One team has a N & a Y, those are the Giants, right?"

"Yes! And the other team?"

"The other team has a star, that's the Cowboys."

"What's the Score?"


"Thank you."

A small wave of accomplishment swept over me, Above Average Joe style.


Friday, December 01, 2006

Any Father-Daughter Dances for 18 Month-olds?

Yesterday, Peanut walked up to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and held on tight. Nothing unusual there. Nothing clears the head from a day at work like a good hug from your kid. But then she tried to put her feet onto mine. I grabbed her hands to help her balance herself and up she went. Once she got her feet onto mine I started to walk around. We walked all around the house that way for ten minutes. The grin on her face as she looked up at me was priceless. I should look forward to it because I will blink and the next time it happens she will be wearing a wedding gown and I will be the one stepping all over her feet.